When Dr. Karyl McBride decided to write Will I Ever Be Good Enough? , a book on mothers who don’t mother their daughters, and the pain this causes girls and adult daughters, she felt as if she were breaking a taboo.
Our relationship with Mother is birthed simultaneously with our entry into the world. We take our first breath of life, and display the initial dependent, human longing for protection and love in her presence. We are as one in the womb and on the birthing table. This woman, our mother. . . all that she is and is not. . . has given us life. Our connection with her in this instant and from this point forward carries with it tremendous psychological weight for our lifelong well-being. Oddly, I have never wanted to believe this.
First, being a feminist-era mom myself, I didn’t want mothers and women to bear so much responsibility or ultimate blame if things go wrong. Certainly many factors other than mothering shape a child’s life. Second, I didn’t want to face how feeling like an unmothered child had such a devastating effect on me and my life. To acknowledge this meant I had to face it.
While doing research over the years, I have read many books that discuss the mother-daughter bond. Each time I read a different volume, unexpected tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of the scent of Mother’s perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice singing in the kitchen, the solace of her rocking, holding and comforting, the intellectual stimulation and joy of being read to.
I knew this was not natural, but could not find a book that explained this lack. It made me feel somewhat crazy. Was I delusional, or just a chick with a poor memory? I could not find a book that explained that this phenomenon of feeling unmothered could be a real deal and that there could be mothers who are not maternal. Nor could I find a book that discussed the conflicted feelings that their daughters have about these mothers, the frustrated love, and even sometimes the hatred. Because good girls aren’t supposed to hate their mothers, they don’t talk about these bad feelings. Motherhood is a sacred institution in most cultures and therefore is generally not discussed in a negative light. When I decided to write a book on mothers who don’t mother their daughters, and the pain this causes girls and adult daughters, I felt as if I were breaking a taboo. Reading books about the mother-daughter bond always gave me the sensation of a deep loss and the fear that I was alone in this suffering. Experts wrote of the complexity of the mother-daughter connection, how it is rife with conflict and ambivalence, but I felt something different — a void, a lack of empathy and interest, and a lack of feeling loved. For many years, I did not understand and tried to rationalize it.
Other members of the family and well-intentioned therapists explained it away with various excuses. Like a good girl, I tried to make excuses and take all the blame. It was not until I began to understand that the emotional void was a characteristic result of maternal narcissism that the pieces began to fit together. The more I learned about maternal narcissism, the more my experience, my sadness, and my lack of memory made sense. This understanding was the key to my beginning to recover my own sense of identity, apart from my mother. I became more centered, taking up what I now call substantial space, no longer invisible (even to myself) and not having to make myself up as I go along. Without understanding, we flail around, we make mistakes, feel deep unworthiness, and sabotage ourselves and our lives.
Writing Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers has been a culmination of years of research and a soul journey that took me back to when I was a little girl who knew something was wrong, feeling that the absence of nurturing was not normal, but not knowing why. I wrote Will I Ever Be Good Enough? in the hopes that I can help other women understand that those feelings were and are not their fault.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Karyl McBride), is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-eight years of experience in public and private practice. She specializes in treatment of trauma and family-of-origin issues and has served as an expert witness in numerous civil and criminal cases involving children and sexual abuse. She lives in Denver, Colorado.
MORE ARTICLES BY THE AUTHOR
LEARN MORE
- Read Chapter 1 of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
- See the book’s Table of Contents
- Watch the video: Karyl McBride talks about the book and why she wrote it
OMG someone who just wrote my story….I have to buy this book. I am not crazy afterall
My mother is a narcissist.I’ve just recenty realized this fact and yes it’s painful as hell.But also admitting it and researching information about the subject has been an important step for me.I no longer feel so guilty and feel the need to blame myself for everything as much as before.I’m now smart enough to realize this and go through things in my mind logically and things make so much more sense this way!I’ve always known there was something wrong or missing in my relationship with my mother,but never before really knew just WHAT exactly except a feeling that something important was missing and I never truly felt loved or appreciated for who I am by her.I get now that she actually DIDN’T ever truly love me as her only child.She couldn’t have,she was entirely too self centered and is in some ways even worse now.Or her denial about her own cold behaviour/obvious problems is.I think it’s just that only now in recent years I’ve actually started to confront her properly about her behaviour in the past and today still.She still repeats the same exact patterns of behaviour,doesn’t seem to really change,evolve or grow past them.She’s emotionally extremely cold towards me and seems to be on the level of a teenager emotionally.She revels in ignorance,genuine or affected.
My parents got divorced when I was about 5 and I moved to live together with my mother after that.She was a single parent since.I’ve had no other siblings living with me ever.I was the only(and VERY lonely)child and my mother was always working.Now that’s one of her favorite things to use to play the guilt game with me.Shes always referring to her need to work more as a single parent as the reason I was always so lonely and without her real support.But when she DID have time it was rarely spent with me alone,and when it was I felt she really didnt care for my company and was just burdened or bored by having to spend time with me.She’s had many boyfriends and some adult female frieds who’ve always been more important than me.Usually I spent time with my grandparents,in some other place or even all alone at home at nights when she went out.The divorce was very hard on me and on those nights spent alone I was truly worried she might have abandoned me entirely.I stil remember the fear and loneliness.Nowadays my mother feels every right to steal money from me,go through my personal things and blatantly lie straight to my face about things.She knows I’m very dependent on her(no wonder why,that’s how she raised me to be!)and resents that fact and me.She feels entitled to treating me with no regard to how much I need her REAL love and support,she KNOWS that’s the most important thing I want and NEED from her so she denies exactly that from me.She doesn’t care how much her selfishness and coldness hurts me and will even close the door between us or turn away and do something else to distract if I start telling her how I feel.She HATES being confronted and wont admit doing anything wrong.EVER!
I just want to have some real, meaningful connection with her more than anything else, but every time I try to reach out she pushes me away and doesnt even want to listen. If she listens to me one day and we talk and I think she finally gets it then the next day or a bit later she’s seemingly forgotten all about our discussion and is right back to her own spineless,cold, selfish ways. No real change has happened. It’s ALL just empty promises and talk. Or silent treatement if something I say bothers her too much and she doesn’t want to face the reality…It’s very tiring and exhausting. Getting nowhere. She knows she’s hurt me, she must know it! I’ve told her many times. Yet she refuses to change or apologise, most of the time she even refuses to admit there’s a big problem with her attitude towards me. That everything is NOT all my fault. I’ve been to therapy since I was 14 years old, on and off. I was forced to start it at 14 because I was being bullied at school. So of course they sent me, the victim to be analyzed instead of doing anything to stop the bullies from hurting me. Going through my parents divorce at 5 and moving to a new place, being bullied at school for three years,my self esteem totally ruined, having a alchoholic,unstable borderline father with a crazy new wife who hated me and envied me(likely another crazy narcissist!)AND having a cold, uncaring selfish narcissistic mother to live with all my life has made me basically totally unable to trust anyone or accept much help.
Now that I’ve finally realized it’s not MY fault that I’ve always felt so invisible, ignored and unloved at home being around my mother, a place and relationship that should have provided me at least one safe place in a world full of abuse, insecurity and loathing towards me is a great relief. It’s NOT all just in my head or my fault! Because she would never admit she’s the one with mental problems and she’s been infecting me with her disease of being unable to feel for others my entire life, trying to make me feel miserable, lonely, unloved and dependent on her all at the same time. And for this knowledge I am more than grateful.
I get now than my mother will likely NEVER change her ways, in fact she seems to have gotten worse the older she gets. She’s 51 now and acting out like a silent suffering martyr is increasibly her “thing”
She wants to be seen as my victim. Ironic really because SHE’s the one who raised me so if she has a problem with how I turned out she needs to look in the mirror first before judging anyone else! But of course she wont do THAT.
She wants to get rid of me and get me away from her life. The ultimate invisibility and ignoring of my desperate need for her love and acceptance. And oh boy if I only had some other support and people who truly cared in my life I would leave her in an instant. She obviously doesn’t want or need me around, I’m not useful to her now except when she needs someone to whine to about her boyfriend. But I am still dependent in all kinds of ways despite being an adult. It hurts to feel forever like little girl waiting for your only mother to just stop what shes doing for once and say she DOES care about you and love you and will help you get through this and be really independent. It hurts knowing that will likely never happen. It’s clear to me now she can never love me like a true mother should.
Hi i to hav had almost the exact situation in my 33years of living it was a week before christmas 2010 i finally gaind courage to be bold and take over this trauma…its tormenting its hurtful its unacceptable to feel unlovd by da one person who brawt u into dis world me an my mom always bump heads shes a minister at dat which as i got olda got really confusing to me…u tell me i shuld go to church but u treat me like a pitless problem…u wan me to serve a man that causes u to come home and be unloving i felt she loved church functions more than her own kids me specificaaly it was 4of us so…i startd researching on internet to make our relationshp work and deved into the scripture and it made a real diff…we hav a much betta relation now that we neva had most daughta mom situation dnt end dat way but its all in forgiving dat makes tha diff…neva blame u…the situations problem is way bigga than me or you…but suppot i neva had until my adult life that gave me encouragement to face this dieing relations
I happened to come across your link and read it several times. I am on the opposite end of the non-bonding mother-daughter relationship and have found nothing about this type of reversal. I loved my daughter, constantly held and kissed her. I supported her in all her academic, social and emotional endeavors and still—I always knew that the bond I felt was not reciprocated. There were no great fights. Yet, there was this indifference to me. She always wanted to be in the presence of other mothers. When she was 21, the distance grew. I supported her and tried to believe it was a phase, I had therapy for ten years to try and make myself a better mother. I tried until I physically thought I was going to die from exhaustion. My husband, who also tried to repeatedly to get through to her, can do no more. My son and her have a relationship, but he does not want to discuss her with us and we do not want to put him in the middle. We do have a relationship with him which is much warmer.
I can’t remember a time when I felt her love or even like. Why can’t I find a single book on this.
She is a graduate of an Ivy League university (which we provided) . She says that she does not want to receive anything from us because she does not want to feel as though she has to reciprocate in anyway. I could go on and on about the snubs, insults, and lack of warmth. She in respectful as one would be of a stranger.
I no longer try to maintain a relationship as it is like holding up a see-saw in perpetuity. I have learned to live with this void, but will never get it. I go back over each and every picture with sadness. The birthday parties, the hugs and kisses, from me to her and from her father to her. If a gun was held to my head and asked to provide a reason, I could not.
The last conversation I had with her several years ago, she said that she did not ever wish to feel as though any success in her life should be shared by me. It was then that she also told me that she did not want me near her friends. No reason given.
I finally told her not to worry, I wouldn’t be bothering her again, and so the relationship or what was of it finally subsided.
So, while I have empathy for those daughters whose mothers were not there emotionally, the gate swings both ways. Where’s that book?
I have a mother who views herself as the most loving thing that walks the earth. She often refers to herself as a saint. She tells me in every conversation we have how she sacrifices her life for me. She tells me constantly how much she’s given up for me for nothing in return. She blames me for her divorce and lonliness, etc, etc. The truth is, she doesn’t know very much about me despite the hours and hours of wasted conversations. I do a lot for my mom and am very grateful to her for her love. She can’t hear other people. And yet because she does provide for me and has NO self awareness, I feel grateful and simultaneously guilty because I can’t give her the love she needs. She doesn’t receive gratitude except superficially in order to uphold her views of herself as gracious. Every year I plant her garden, organize the house, take her on trips… I cook her dinner, listen to her issues, let her criticisms and judgements roll over me… it’s never enough! I’m just rambling and not going anywhere… the bottom line is that people with bpd, narcisicm, etc don’t often know how they’re missing the other person. There’s often a blind spot. What’s more is that blind spots and delusions change with their emotions without regard to the other person. It feels random. You’re never safe to let your guard down. And yet they may have loving and lovable personalities otherwise where you’re lured into sharing personal things with them… I don’t want my mom near my friends because she makes things up about me and denies this even to herself. She used to go through my things to find numbers and call my friends parents at 3 in the morning asking where her suicidal daughter was. Please keep in mind that I was a straight a student and had no intention of hurting myself. She was/is hyperbolic. Her excuse was love though. How painful and tiring for us both. Are there meds for this? I really think it’s possible that love is a double edged sword that gets carried too far….
@Nancy Hunter…You are a narcisstic mother, that is why she has cut off ties with you. A mother is supposed to love their children unconditionally, birthday parties, hugs and kisses, college. THAT IS WHAT A MOTHER IS SUPPOSED TO DO! It doesn’t mean you are going to get it paid back from your children. They are not here to serve you, unless, of course, that is why you had them to begin with. And, if she had to tell you to stop contacting her friends, it was probably because you were. No mother has a reason to contact the friends of thier children. It is weird and typical behavior of N mothers.
My situation is the opposite. I have a narcisstic daughter who has hit me, made up lies about me, almost had me thrown in jail. She has 3 masters degrees in accounting. But as a growing up seemed removed from me especially, did not like me no matter what I did or did not do.I will be talking to her nicely as thinking “wow this is going well, I am so happy” the out of the blue she will call me a liar or just start an argument out of nowhere.
I have to walk on egg shell to be around her. I have asked her to go to therapy with me and told her how much I love her and that I do not know what problems we have but I want to work them out. But she seems to take joy in hurting me and does not want peace.
I am totally baffled and hurt because I do love her and I know she must be in some type of pain to act this way.
A sad hurt Mom!
You are not alone. Many readers have shared similar thoughts in the comments. We hope you find the peace you need in therapy. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Help pls! My 14 yr daughter say she longs for a great relationship with me. She says i always say things that majes her feel she will never be goid enough. She says she gives her best just to impress me and that is also not good enough. She says i will always see something wrong with everything. How can i be different?
I had a mother who exhibited textbook borderline personality disorder long before it made it into the DSM… Hope Edelman’s book Motherless Daughters was a godsend; Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ Women Who Run With The Wolves saved my life.
I read all of the posting, and I certainly connect with several of the coments made. I am the daughter of a narcisstic mother and my journey has been very painful, and continues to be. I am no longer searching for the mother I never had, or should I say – the mother I so deseparetly wanted. At first, I felt that by not expecting love etc., from my mom would stop the hurt and pain. Well, the pain is still there, just in a different way. I know that a part of me is missing and she is resposible for that brokeness. However, I am trying to move on and except the hand that was dealt. It is not easy, but all we can do is try.
I have been going through the same issues for the last 38 years with my Mom. The post written by Annina…that’s very much my story. I didn’t know that there was a name for this condition. I thought Narcissim was something that only affected men. Now I understand.
This article and book it’s excerpted from touches a chord in many readers. We’re so glad it helped you. Thanks for reading!
Lots of narcissistic mothers here I see…
i am just 17 and starting to come out of the fog of self blame, self doubt and “numbness” that I have experienced my whole life being manipulated and emotionally raped by a narcissistic and Borderline personality mother. When I step back far enough and see the damage she has caused, I want to run far far away and never turn back.
I too have gone through this, and am still going through it. I live with my mother at this time because of some unfortunate things that happened in my life which left me no other option. She continues to be verbally abusive (and even physically, although she doesn’t have the strength to do any real damage.) She does not love me. She has said as much. I have tried to forgive her over and over telling myself she is mentally ill or that she is my mother and I owe her respect. But the bottom line is I cannot live with her and have her continually treat me this way! My dad does not offer me any support as he is afraid of her! I can hear her right now telling my dad all kinds of things about me that she doesn’t like. I am disabled and 58 years old, so I can’t easily pick up and leave. I hate that I am still so vulnerable to her attacks. Hate it! I am not happy, I am not getting any better health wise from the constant stress she puts on me, and I feel trapped. I am housebound, practically bed bound, and she still won’t cut me a break. She is evil! And not once has she ever apologized.
‘monkey’ you’re an idiot! I totaly agree with Nancy, You sound like a whiney ungrateful child! Respect is not in your vocabulary. Get a life!
WOW.. this is crazy how i randomly came across this post and this reflects my life too, completely. Sorta relieved that im not the only one that feels this way . Im also 17 and just realizing that all this emotional turmoil ive been through was do to the fact that my mother was never there for me emotionally. She was always working along with my father 12 hours a day. I mean they both were there physical but never emotionally. They never encourage me nor appreciated the things i can do, yet put me down wen i havent met their standards. My mom now is tryin to have somekind of relationship with me now since im getting older and almost goin to college next year, but a part of me doesnt want to be bothered anymore and it maybe too late now, & try to look for love in other places…. at times i too feel highly emotional as i read a book or watch a video that of a moment wen there is a mother-daughter bonding time, somthing i never really have…. but with having this i can just comprehend whats goin on and just continue to live and let go… this just shows me whenever i have kids in the future to love and nurturer them for they wont turn out like me, any emotional RECK
I don’t think my mother is narcissistic ( far from it… really sweet actually), she never intentionally hurt me, but I definitely felt neglected and as if she never knew how to handle a family. I Truly know that she cares but I hate being around her and have a lot of resentment towards her.I have always felt like I was the mother to her and my young siblings and needed to and currently still need to teach her how to do things. She was never there emotionally and I Never ask for anything and when she tries to do things for me I don’t want to accept it, My thinking is,it’s too late try to do anything for me, I am 22 and I can take care of myself as I have always done since the age of 8.. I feel ungrateful sometimes but it hurts not having a older women to depend on and I have always yearned for that mother daughter relationship but honestly, even if my mother changed, I would still be bitter and it and not to establish a healthy relationship I just hope it don’t effect my relationship with others.
What can i do about this and what would be my mother condition?
This post has really helped a lot of people, but we also think it’s a great idea to talk to a professional since it is a very serious subject. It’s NEVER too late. We wish you the best in finding peace! Thanks for reading.
This is very painful for me because I am a mother whose daughter said she feet no attachment toward me and has barely talked to me in fifteen years. The pain this has caused is worse than death.
My daughter was loved deeply by me. I did everything I could for her. When I realized there was a problem I begged her to go to counseling with me. But she refused.
Can someone please tell me why this is the case? I was in therapy for ten years trying to piece together what she said was wrong from the very few clues she ever gave me.
I have done everything humanly possible to reach out and give her a non threatening space for us to work on things.
But she hates me and turns her friends against me like I am some kind of joke. I will go so far as to say she is abusive to me. Threatening me if I talk in a certain way to her. She used to limit me to calling her once a week for a short period of time. Yet she talks with her friends all the time.
Clearly she decided at some point I am very low on the scale of importance.
I would give anything to work this out with a specialist. But she got mad at me a year ago and told me she would sue me if I bothered her again.
I was not overbearing. I never went to her house to see her for fear it would upset her.
It makes me wonder if she figured out how to hurt me, likes it and enjoys completely having the upper hand. I simply do not know.
But I can hardly live with the pain. It’s too much to think about and it breaks my heart every day.
my mother has lots of family and friends around her yet i have quietly suffered all my life that she did not love me.She has always been loved and admired by all yet i learned early on she didn’t care for me.My sisters had my mom raise their kids and therefore have relationship with my mom.I have devoted myself to her and helped her all my life even though i would never be loved by her.I knew she was incapable and i accepted that years ago but nnow that i withdrew from her life, for my mental health all the rest of the family has turned against me.i have had professional counseling,hours and hours of it in my life but this issue is the one that should have been addressed first when i was younger.The neglect was prevalent and consistant from the beginning,but how do you know whats wrong when you are just a child.I always felt something was wrong with me.My older sisters would tell me i was adopted,i was stupid.whatever made me cry.growing up they all ignored me completely yet when i had kids they played the nicey role.I got a divorce and they totally showed what they were made of as usual.birthdays and holidays we would get together yet my whole life my mother and sisters would go do fun things together and never included me.i would hear about their fun trips later yet i took care of their child when they would go on vacation.i took care of them when they asked me.my husband has helped my mom so many times.I cant stand the pain any more.it hurt so bad when i never said a negative thing about my mom to my children growing up so they ,well, nobody whos around my mom understands my withdrawal from her so all theyve done is lash out at me,,,,how could you treat your mother that way blah blah blah …the words my mother said to me …dont say anything unless you have something nice to say.well, ok then i didnt say anything not nice but because i got out of her life, my children as well as everyone in her life think i am a snotty brat.My mothers sweet loving personality keeps her queen of denial but i will always love my mom from a distance and apparently everyone else that is devoted to her.
I hate my mother. She never gave a damn about me. I don’t feel any guilt for hating her. When she dies I will be throwing a big party.
One thing that living with a mother like this has taught me is to not make the same mistakes with my 14 year old daughter. I’ve fought hard with myself and have managed, so far, to develop a loving, open and close relationship with her (also with my 20 year old son) and I beleive that they, too, feel the same way. For that (if nothing else) I am greatful to my mother.
Please talk to me or take my emails. I’m a CEO and other than that the absolute most worthless person I Know.
But so many depend on me. I have to get past this sadness and feeling constantly I’m Not worthy. It’s affecting my business.
Thanks,
Natalie
I’ve always thought mine and my mums was relationship was always cold, there was never really any love in our relationship, I rebelled against everything, even though I knew it was wrong I didn’t realize at the time, I try so hard to do my best and when I didn’t get the results I wanted I just gave up and went the opposite direction. I thought to myself I’d rather have my mum hate me then be dissapointed.
I tried so hard through out the years to make my mum proud, but its like she has to have the last word in everything and she criticizes a lot of things of what I do.
I thought I was mentally ill, my mum told me to go to a doctor and i did, he just gave me depression pills to take, cause I thought to myself why do i get so angry with myself for yelling at my mum. and then I cry my eyes out… there has times where i have pushed my mum to get out of my way cause when I’m that emotionally upset I lose my temper… I don’t mean to push her but its the only way she would stop.
but it just makes it worse, she phones the police and tells them I have hit her…
I sit and cry and think about it.
writing this and reading this I sound like a mental health patient.. that my mind isn’t right… I don’t know what to believe… everything written about Maternal Narcissism is my mum, she has two personalities, one with me and one with everyone else.
she constantly doesn’t listen to me and no matter what I do it will never be good enough for her.
whether it would be the littlest things like washing up for instance.
I do sit there and think I wish my mum never had me sometimes, it would make her happier cause that’s all I want to do is make her proud of me and be happy that she can call me her daughter.
I’m only 20 years old, and i’ve been kicked out my mothers house so many times, I gave up and decided to move away, as I couldn’t stand it.
since moving abroad its like my mum doesn’t want to know me.. I am truly concerned for her now.
I sometimes think to myself I’m being selfish cause she gave me a roof over my head clothes feed me ect and there’s children out there that has no parents no homes.
she’s the only family that I know, my dad left us when I was little and he died 9 years ago, my other relatives from my mum side are just the same as her, I feel like a black sheep with them, they gossip to one another about me and in the end I had to leave my nan’s home as it just got me more wound up and severley depressed.
I am not sure what to think, when I try to explain to people bout my mother they say she cares for me every mum loves there child.
and it gets me upset cause I’m trying to explain to them and then they think I’m lying or I’m being to serious about things.
I know my mum has this trait, but Its the feeling inside of me I can’t stop.
I’m wondering what happened to my comments. I spent a lot of time writing about my situtation and the comments never showed up.
Alright, it worked this time so will spend a little time writing about my situation. I have three daughters. I have wonderful relationships with two and one that can hardly stand me. They were raised the same. The more effort I put into a relationship with my youngest daughter it seems the worse she treats me. I went to be there when her baby was born and she told me I could stay for the first few days but when her Dad and step-mom came I would have to get a hotel. She then blamed me for all the stress she was feeling having to tell me to get a hotel! I just said I was sorry she felt stressed and of course I could get a hotel. It ended up her Dad and step-mom missed the birth and came several days late. I forget now why….we all knew the due date and she was on time. I beleive what goes around comes around and I will continue to be a good mom to my daughter no matter how she treats me. That is how I live with myself, taking comfort in the fact that I return good for evil. In the mean time I’m grateful she isn’t my only child!
I finally got it on Monday how self centered & selfish my mom is. I met her for lunch & she could only talk about herself & her recent trips. Never once did she ask me how I was doing. If she had, I could have told her about my miscarriage & the pain I was going through. It’s a lost cause & I’m giving up. She’s never going to be the mom I want.
Dear Done,
Can I say that I’m sorry about your miscarriage? I had one and didn’t tell anyone because I thought it wasn’t any big deal. It was a big deal and it’s still painful. I lost a child and so did you. I’m sorry for your loss.
What to do, i’m the 5th of 6 kids, my mom has been married 6 times always treated one sibling better than anybody, 2 siblings dead her favorite is gone and she talks about her likes she is still alive and not mention the other one that is dead also, she keeps up drama between the remaining siblings not wanting us to get along ,my mother has lost 2 girls, a mother a brother and had breast cancer and nothing seems to get her closer to God, she hates me most of all because i stay away from her at all cost, i had to ask God to forgive me because i hated her as much as she hated me, i have seen my mother as a child sleep with different men for money , get hit in the head with a gun because she didn’t want the man to leave her, i watched all this as a child and my views of men were awful, she always find faught in anyone who is good to me , she talks about me like i’m not related to her calls me names and tells people i think i’m so much better , i have never out of my 38 yrs told my mom i love her, and its so sad that if i said i would be lying, btw my sister that died stole my identity and my mom knew about it and didn’t tell me and i told her about it and she said i have nothing to do with that (her favorite)!and now my oldest sister acts just like her keeping up drama keeping the cycle going, she hates me and all i do is try to be good to her but when i do i get talked about, if i wear something nice, i have to be showing off, if i smile i get on her nerves, nobody ever ask me if i’m ok, i have been suffering from hurt and depression for a yr and the one person you should be able to go to you can’t because she will tell all your business, so i know the only true person i have is God and that’s all i need!
Hey Joan, clearly respect is not in YOUR vocabulary either since most respectful people don’t call other people an “idiot” and tell them to “get a life”. Thanks for typing that comment though because in doing so, you showed your narcissism for all to see and you don’t even realize it : ) In typical N fashion, you are quick to insult others and feel entitled to their respect, but fail to see your own blatant hypocrisy in expected something which you yourself fail to give to others. At least now the whole world knows why your daughter hates you, even if you don’t.
I am deeply saddened to read the posts written by so many mothers and daughters who have never experienced a true mother/daughter bond. I am a postpartum nurse and lactation consultant and frequently come across women who after giving birth seem to have trouble bonding with their babies
and then trouble breastfeeding them. I often wonder why…why don’t they pick them up when they cry? why won’t they nurse them? why can’t they seem to read their babies cues and if they can then why do they ignore them? Do they not love their babies? The saddest thing of all to me is how many mothers react like this. I try to figure out if it’s something about the birthing process or a problem in our society or a problem with their relationship with the husband…and if there’s something I can do as a nurse to make it better. It’s hard though. I remember the day my daughter was born as the happiest day of my life. I didn’t sleep for days because I was so excited to have my baby. Why do so many women feel like this? What are your insights?
To Done, I had a miscarriage when I was 19, my whole family knew it. I feel sad about what happened. She’s your mom, why did you not mention to her you had a miscarriage? What stop you from telling her? I guess, it’s not the ‘bond’, she’s your mom I’m sure if you did tell her, she’ll understand and help you.
It’s trust. I’m sorry that you had to go through that.
I was really unloved as a child or at least felt that way. I felt like I was a burden to everyone sense everyone in my family practicably had to help raise me and other siblings. Anyways, now that I am a mother of 3 and live no where near my family, it is hard doing everything on my own, I hardly ever ask for help. I also came to conclusions mothers don’t connect with their daughters emotionally because it’s painful seeing your child in pain and hearing about it, especially if they live far away. That is what friends/lovers are for. I am not saying keeping mother totally out of the loop, but hearing your child struggle in life is hard, so we pull away from any child son or daughter, I think it is human. Parents want to hear good things about there child, it makes them feel they did something right as a parent. Although I am guessing there are parents when they hear the good things there is some jealously, which is human. We child tend to learn from our parents mistakes, not always so that is why there is that jealous or bitter thing going on with the positive. I think there should be a certain degree of emotionally connection a child should have with there parent. Parents are not friends. A parent should teach and direct the child on the right path so they can take care of them selves for once. It is hard work being a parent. I have walked 5 years in my mother’s shoes now that I am a mother, boy now I know what she was thinking and going through. Maybe, mothers talk about them selves because they don’t want to hear your pain, you don’t want to hear there’s, I think they are tying to hints something? Goodness sometimes friends don’t want to hear you. Just be strong, your on your own now, probably what you always wanted. We always want to grown up fast and the when we do, we want it all back and that love and attentions we got when were little. I am not saying things are like this for everyone. I know there is drug and abuse that would probably be a little different growing up in a home like that. I know my parents spent money bad and drank and smoked never could keep a job, couldn’t even take care of themselves let alone 4 kids. I do know that they loved us, but the hardest job in the world is being a parent, which runs close to being a president. Well I am only 28 and that is so far what I understand, in that whole area. Hope it puts a little perspective on some minds. Who knows, I still have lots to learn.
Motherhood nowdays is frequently a no win situation. Mothers are still judged by century old standards of motherhood sacrifice and selflessness, yet are expected by most of society to be think about yourself too ,super moms. Obviously these totally opposite expectations frequently put unbelievable stress on moms, and future moms. What many are calling narcissim,may be the signs of this expectations and how unrealistic they are stress showing.
I agree with mitzy.
Agreeing that the expectations and stress could result in stressed that have the occasional out of character melt down or tantrum, mistaking tantrums and stress for a nar
the daily physical and emotional abuse of a parent with narcissism would be impossible even for the borderline narcissist. A stressed parent to slip a neg comment in anger, instantly stings with regret, she loves and protects her child, she is apologetic and voices her feelings with affection, is human and made a mistake, only the stress tantrums severe enough to cause the mother institutional placement, could be even slightly in comparison with the deliberate verbal lashings and constant degrading given at every turn with intent and conviction throughout adulthood and death of the N mother. The abuse of the N parent is extreme and unrealistic to those who didnt have one, that is why the abuse goes unnoticed for lifetimes, even though the child screams and begs and pleads to be heard, the accusations of an unruly, out of control, disrespectful child unheard, never investigated, leaving the child with distorted views and an abuser of the most sadistic, cruel, controlling way to continue in there lifelong amusement.
How affirming to find this website . My mom left me and my dad when I was 7 years old and briefly came in and out of my life. Now I’m 40 years old and we still have a superficial relationship. She’s childish and continues to lie about not having a boyfriend. I can’t stand gr lies .. she is emotionally void and cold and I can’t stand it. Now I’m a new first time mother to a 4 month old baby girl and lots of issues come up ..