By Sharon Knolle
Why would a swinging single like How I Met Your Mother‘s Barney Stinson write a book about parenting? Because he wants you to be a more kickass parent, obviously. As he writes in The Bro Code for Parents, What to Expect When You’re Awesome, he was inspired to write the book after good friends Marshall and Lily had their first child. “I realized that without me, he’d never learn important life skills like ‘setting insects on fire’ or ‘learning to go upskirt’ or ‘strategic boner concealment,’” he notes.
“In short, I am writing this book because the so-called parenting experts have been leading children down the wrong path. And I’m not at all writing this book because I’m terrified that I won’t be important to Marshall and Lily anymore unless it seems that I know cool stuff about babies… so I don’t see why you’re even suggesting that.”
Among Barney’s awesome arsenal of advice is planning the proper timing for your baby’s arrival, with “Don’t Do It” dates including March 21 (baby’s birth would conflict with the Adult Video News Awards) and April 1 (which would pit your baby’s arrival against the Super Bowl.) He also deals with issues like picking a “sperm bronor” and of course, Barney himself is available for the job, if you have at least $5,000 in cash.
Barney’s also got a way around solving one of today’s biggest issues for parents-to-be—finding a truly unique name for your child that won’t scar them for life (Hello, Bronx Mowgli, we’re looking at you.) His rock-solid tips on picking a name for the baby:
—Does the name rhyme with any part of the human anatomy?
—Are you simply pirating the last name of a nineteenth century American president?
—If so, can you name one act he accomplished while in office? (Other than lots and lots of sex, I’m assuming…)
—Could your child ever join the likes of Blaze, Ice, Laser and Turbo on American Gladiators and not have to change his or name? ‘Cause if so, that would be pretty friggin’ awesome.
And let’s not forget Uncle Barney’s Alphabet Book:
—A is for AWESOME, which is what you’ll always be
—B is for BOOBS, with a cup size larger than C
—C is for COCKTAIL, way cooler than a beer
—D is for DIE HARD, watch it twice a year
Once the baby is born, you’ll need a stroller, which Barney has helpfully shown how to turn into a Broller. All you need to do is add a Boob Cam for when women bend over to admire the baby, Noise-Canceling Handlebars to drown out the baby crying and a Diaper Incinerator for icky diaper disposals on the go.
Your new baby is also a ticket to get out of a number of unpleasant situations, so let Barney show you how to Dump Your Crappy Friends, Take Long-Ass Breaks, Escape Lame Family Functions, Pack on the Pounds, Move to the Front of the Line and Fart in Public (and blame it on the baby.)
And don’t forget to outfit baby’s playpen with essential items like a 40″ Plasma TV, Baby’s First Hot Tub, a 15th-Century Samurai Sword and a Rare Fish Aquarium packed with stingrays, moray eels and a fifteen-foot man-eating tiger shark.
There are also songs you can sing to your newborn, like “Bro, Bro, Bro Your Broat,” and “The Boobs on the Bus” and the classic children’s book “Goodnight Bro.”
The ultimate goal for any parent raising a child, for which this book is essential: “You’ll be able to rest happy and proud, confident in the knowledge that even if your child never becomes president or gets married or contributes in any way to the local community, at the very least he’s statistically unlikely to go nuts and open fire in a grocery store or public square.”