By Matt Mogk
Author of Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Zombies
Zombies are more popular than ever. They’re racking in billions at the box office and in the video game store. They can be seen shambling down city streets from Los Angeles to London as fans organize thousands of zombie walks, pub crawls, and flash mobs across the globe every year.
That kind of wild popularity inevitably breeds the classic celebrity crush. But if you’ve considered dating a zombie you might want to think twice, because the undead make horrible romantic partners. According to dozens of leading relationship experts and matchmakers, here are the top five reasons NOT to date a zombie:
1) They’re selfish. Don’t be fooled by their laidback demeanor and quiet confidence; zombies have one thing on their minds and one thing only. They’re not interested in taking you out to a surprise birthday dinner, or even meeting your parents. They’ll never send you flowers on a random Tuesday just because, or call you at work to say how great you are. You’re not a piece of meat!
VIDEO: Author and zombie expert Matt Mogk on zombie myths (they don’t always eat brains)
2) They’re noncommittal. Are you the kind of person who dreams of spending the rest of your days with that special someone? Zombies aren’t. They can be completely focused on you one minute, and then chasing down someone else the next. Any pair of legs and pretty face that catches their eye is libel to send them wandering off like you never existed. You deserve better!
3) They’re dirty. Cleanliness may not be the first box on your list of wants, but how about in the top three? Not only do zombies lack basic personal hygiene, by they’re constantly making a mess of their surroundings. And no amount of hinting can get them to clean up after themselves. You need to be an equal partner in any successful relationship, not a maid. Never accept less!
4) They’re needy. Everyone likes some alone time now and then, except zombies. They won’t respect your boundaries, and they’re constantly in demand of attention. Neediness is often confused with affection, but risk the temptation to make that mistake. Zombies will only take and take, and never give back, which can never lead to a true emotional connection. Don’t settle!
5) Your friends will hate them. Finding new love shouldn’t require that you alienate old friends and family. Your ideal romantic partner needs to enhance other important relationships, not tear them down. If you do take the undead plunge expect a lot of intimate dinners for two, because no one wants to double date with a zombie. Your parents will certainly disapprove. Listen to your loved ones!