Here’s how not to scare off a potential match, because even a harmless-seeming e-mail can sabotage online dating. From The Rules for Online Dating by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.
Whether you were recently hurt or haven’t been in a relationship for a while, you want immediate gratification and compensation for all the pain and heartache of recent years or even decades. But get a grip and tell yourself there is no shortcut to courtship, things take time, so you must not act impatiently or desperately. You are a CUAO (Creature Unlike Any Other), remember? You need to force yourself to refrain from saying anything too intense or negative that could scare a man away. Unfortunately, no matter what your heart says, you must hold back a bit for your own good.
Here are Rules to help you be light and breezy in your e-mails:
- Sometimes giving a man no answer is being light and breezy. If a man doesn’t write you a sentence or two specific to your ad, but rather just sends you his profile through a “wink” or a “rose” (stock-response features that allow you to click on an ad and send your profile to the chosen ad), or if he sends a photo only, do not respond at all. It shows no effort, very little interest in you, merely a click of a button. Just delete it. He is just using online dating for fun, not to seriously meet someone. He’s just cruising online.
- If a man sends you an e-mail and he doesn’t have a photo online, say “Would love to see a photo. Thanks.” That’s it, nothing else. Do not have a long conversation with this man no matter how interesting and long his e-mail to you was. If he refuses to send his photo, there is usually a reason. We are not being superficial here. When he does respond with a photo and you like it, do not write “Cute pic” or “Nice abs.” Just say “Thanks for the photo” and answer his questions.
- Don’t tell a man you checked his profile, even if you did. Just write back in response to his e-mail, “You sound nice,” and anything else you want to say. Do not write, “Read your ad, my brother is also an accountant, and he also played basketball in college. I love skiing and tennis too…We seem to have a lot in common.” As a Rules girl, you are too busy to be memorizing men’s ads, remember? Even though you did.
- Do not look through his profile for conversation pieces. For example, do not notice that he is newly divorced and say, “Sorry about your marriage…why did it end?” or see that he has two children and ask their ages. None of your business at this point. Save it for when you are dating awhile or when he brings it up. Also, don’t ask questions about his work. It’s an obvious ploy to find out how much money he makes and if he will be a good provider. Take a chance if you like him, don’t worry about his income. Let him ask a few questions about you. Women tend to get into these long question-and-answer sessions with men online and it is a complete waste of time as most never even make it to date zero anyway.
- Never e-mail a man a second time if he neglected to respond to your e-mail, even if you think that he is your future husband or soul mate. Never! E-mailing a man twice in a row is the antithesis of being light and breezy. He may be away on business or just busy, and you will come across as desperate, or he may just poof! If he does, just let him poof! Don’t think his or your computer is not working. On some systems, you can check sent mail to see if the e-mail has been read. Do not e-mail him, “Wasn’t sure if you got my last e-mail…” He did! If he never e-mails you again, so be it, next! Just know that if you do e-mail him twice in a row and he responds, you will have made yourself the pursuer. He will know how much you like him, and the relationship will follow suit.
- If you get any angry e-mails back, such as “I want more than three sentences from someone I would want to date, someone open and honest, no games,” hit the delete button. However, if a man writes back nicely and says “Tell me more about yourself,” you can tell him a hobby or two or favorite TV show or about your recent ski trip.
- For the first three months, do not initiate e-mails; only respond to e-mails he sends you — and only if his e-mail merits a response to a question. Do not e-mail back if he sends you a joke or just says something like, “Did I tell you how adorable you are?” although if he sends these kinds of complimentary e-mails regularly you can wait for three to add up and e-mail back, “That is so sweet, thank you.” Just wait 24 hours before you e-mail him back.
- Don’t be a downer. If you had a bad day, your job is on the line, money problems, health scare, and so on, do not weave it into your e-mail conversations as a way of bonding with this man. For example, don’t say “Crazy week. 30 people were let go at work. I could be next. Mother just diagnosed with cancer. Last boyfriend was a jerk, hope you are different.” This might be fine for your girlfriends, even a female acquaintance, but it is not the way to get close to a potential date. On the contrary, it will make the average man think “Nut case!” or “Who wants to hear her problems?” and he will never ask you out. Instead say, “Hi, got your e-mails…crazy busy with work…going to work out now and burn off some Italian food from last night…have a really great day…”
- After three or four months, you can initiate one quick fun e-mail – such as a joke, or something that made you think of him, but nothing about sex, just a small innocent e-mail. For example, if he is a basketball fan and his favorite team lost the playoffs the night before, you can e-mail him, “Hi, there. Hope you’re doing well. Sorry about the Knicks. Maybe next year!”
- Words never to use in your e-mails and things never to discuss in e-mails (even if he does):
- soul mate
- dream man
- commitment
- commitment-phobia
- anything about sex
- his or your long-term plans
- ex-boyfriend
- ex-husband
- last relationship
- marriage
- connection
- intimacy
- or anything about game-playing (e.g., “I don’t play games”).
It all sounds good on paper, but you cannot write “soul mate” and think you will get one that way. A soul mate is someone who responds to your ad, doesn’t give up e-mailing you, tries to get your number to get a date with you and is a loving and fun companion. Unfortunately, you cannot attract this by writing the word down any more than you can attract wealth by writing down the word “money.” Be patient. More will be revealed. It takes time to figure out who your soul mate is. So beyond looking desperate, it is really a waste of time to write down “waiting for my soul mate” or anything like it.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider are the multimillion-selling authors of The Rules! and The Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace (Copyright © 2002 by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider).
MORE ARTICLES BY THE AUTHORS
- 5 Classic Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Your Online Dating Ad
- Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating: How Not to Let Men Waste Your Time
LEARN MORE
Thanks for the online dating rules in your article. That’s some really good advice. I recently started dating on eHarmony and I’m getting familiar with the correspondence. So far, I’m having fun with it, but I keep reminding myself to be patient. I’m optimistic that eHarmony will help me find the right guy.
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If a woman follows these rules (particularly 3, 7 and 9), she’d better be hot. No self respecting man likes playing games. Courtship is not a one way street.
Totally agree with John’s comments. Pretending you have no interest in a man’s profile is a good way get him to give up. Remember, your only method of communication is the text you write and the way you engage in the conversation. There’s no eye contact or voice to help secondarily interpret your actions. If he feels you aren’t into him, he’ll cut his losses early and move on. Online dating is difficult enough from the guy’s perspective than to have to deal with the game playing. How would you feel on the end of such an exchange? If you’re interested, say so! Just be yourself.
Very interesting perspectives. I do agree with not getting too heavy early on. However, it seems that adhering to these rules is like playing a game. What if the guy adheres to these rules also, then nothing will happen. I don’t like the ‘light and breezy’ thing for three months. And what about casual partners? What if I’m not desperate or even ready for a soul-mate now? I agree with the philosophy: “If you’re interested, just say so”.
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As a male myself I’m here to say, dont always think that every single guy, that doesnt always email you, is “just not that into you” Some cases probably. But a guy like me only emails a girl once. If she doesnt reply back then i get the feeling shes “just not that into me.” Why would any guy keep msging. the same girl if she never even replied to the first one? It makes me feel like a creep if I were to continue msging this poor girl and she wasnt interested/has shown no interest in the first place. It’s common sense.
Some men use online dating like a book that they are ordering free hookers from.
I’m over 40. The Rules ladies are RIGHT.
Also…do NOT go on a date with a guy from an online dating site who doesn’t give you his phone number. DECENT men want to hear your voice. Playas don’t care WHAT you sound like.
Do NOT go on a date with a guy in a rush to meet you… like, he emails you and bam, in an hour he wants to make plans..he only wants nookie.
Do NOT reply to a man you’ve emailed and haven’t gotten a reply from but you can see that he’s been online in the last hour. DELETE.
Hmm I’d add 2 more. Some of the dating sites will list income. Yea you make want daddy mega bucks. But when you list that you want a man that make $XYZ income, you come across as a gold digger. I don’t care if I make 3x that much I will press back so fast your head will spin!
No man wants a gold digger, especially the men that have the gold.
And please use a recent and real picture. Nothing will turn a man off more than you using a picture that you took 8 years ago when you weighed 100 lbs less. Yea, you will get to meet him but that is it.
I also have to agree with what John and Vic said. Emails tend to be lite and generic at first, I don’t know you and you don’t know me. A simple thanks to a compliment or a HaHa to a joke is not that hard to do. And shows interest.
It’s nice to hear from you men on this front! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Ladies, alot of men as imsure you know are only online for sex, webcam action, and nothing else. Take it from me and I know I dont speak for all men but im sure the majority. I spent years online doing this exact thing. I wasnt interested in a relationship or getting to know anything about the woman, I was interested in her takingher clothes off! Thats it! There is alot of good advice in this article and comments. Take heed if you value yourself. The number one thing I would say is no matter how good a guy looks if all the red flags are there listen to them. I was surprised how easy it was for me to treat someone so rotten and still get what I wanted, have self-respect. Number 2 and equally important, have patience. If you are looking for something serious you can eliminate alot of problems by not getting into anything sexual until you feel comfortable, this will keep alot of players away. Good luck.
Hi Nate, It’s nice to hear from a man’s point of view on this subject. Thanks for your honesty!
As a guy if the girl did not initiate by the 3rd email I would write her off as not interested. Ladies good luck with rule 7 because you will lose many guys because of this and the rest of these crappy mind game rules.
Thanks for sharing the men’s POV, Jack!
I dont agree with the above…sounds like a game and a woman must follow the rules….If a woman shows no interest in me ….Then I say bye bye and I move on…
Very sensible approach! Thanks for reading.
I goofed. I did a “checking in” email after not hearing from a guy I was interested in. I should have just left it alone. The only good thing is that he did apologize for not getting back to me.
I’m really mad at myself. In hindsight, I would not have checked-in with him and left it alone. I feel like I gave up my power.
It happens to everyone. We have moments of weakness… but then you learn from it next time around! Stay strong and keep being honest with yourself. Best of luck!
This is exactly why i gave up internet dating. Look ladies, there is no need to play freaking games on line. this crap is hard enough!!! You may get swamped with messages, but men catch hell, because you females never reply!!
and if anyone said these are great tips, then look at yourself and how you treat people….. there is a reason you are single and looking and not married!!! Women control the dating scene so these rules are pointless. The only thing they lead to is you remaining single.
I have to disagree Thad. I think these rules are really about protecting ourselves as women. A few men on this posting even admitted that in the past they have used online dating purely for sex, web-camming, and manipulation of the service in general. Too often we hear this kind of thing and it scares us. We have to trust that someone is being truthful without knowing them at all, that’s a hard thing to do, especially when you are keen to things not always being what they seem. It’s hard, but I haven’t lost faith in online. I’m on match.com and I’ve gone on a few dates, good dates, not great, but definitely not bad! And I’ve only been on for 6 weeks! I’d say I follow some of these rules, but not all. In the end it’s to each their own. You just have to be open to possibility, and lose some of that judgement we all carry with us, it will make the experience a whole lot better. Stick with it!
Ha.
You men posting are proving the rules CORRECT.
@Thad, thems the breaks. We ladies don’t get all the men we respond to, as well.
Also Thad you seem bitter. WHY are you on this page, anyway, as this is FOR WOMEN?
I suggest you go rewrite your profile and update your photos.
Well, online dating is horrible. I give up. I could follow those rules but most men don’t ever email me back anyway. I’m smart, fit, cute, finically secure, affectionate…no beauty queen, but an average middle-aged woman, and holding my own for my age….. and most guys my age (or even a bit older) seem to think I’m not good enough for them…. even though they’re fat or bald or uneducated or thick as a brick, etc.
Um, have a look in the mirror, gentlemen. They’ve all dismissed me without even getting to know me. I really would like to meet someone but I’m about to throw in the towel.
I’m too old to play these games.
omg this is childish. We both know she checked my profile, but she wont admit it. I have nice abs, we both know that but because of imagionary code or rule she cant tell me that. Omg people start thinking with heads.
Do people actually look online for how to act? It is more about game playing than etiquette. You say that women aren’t supposed to write about anything you might have in common or personal, really? So basically you’re telling girls to act like a barbie doll until they start dating a guy. Okay, I can see how acting neutral can be diplomatic, but what guy wants to date someone who shows no interest? It sounds like you’re trying to make girls fit a mold so they will attract any guy they want. Most girls say the same exact thing on dating sites, and these type of articles don’t help. As soon as I ever write anything real, women quit replying. I have come to the conclusion that most women start dating sites to inflate their self-esteem. After six months I have given up with online dating. Some of the more common sense advice (like the list of words not to use) probably is useful.
I’m a woman, and I like winks or messages, whichever one is fine by me. I think it’s a bad idea to ignore winks. The guy might be a good match. Just because he didn’t write, it doesn’t mean that he’s no good. Maybe he first wants to see if you’d actually like to establish a conversation. I wink at guys sometimes and if they’re interested in me they wink or write back.
Until both get to know eachother, we are strangers, and we don’t owe eachother anything. We’re just mingling and see what happens.
I don’t agree it’s a good idea to ignore a message or play hard to get with a guy you’re interested in, because many won’t fall for that and I agree they should move on. I’d do the same.
Do not ignore winks from a guy you like. BAD idea. Be straight forward. Just not desperate.
Do not play hard to get.
If a guy’s a good catch, he’ll move on because he’ll think you’re not interested.
If you see the profile of a guy you like, make initial contact. Something light, subtle.
Don’t be afraid. Many of them think that if a woman likes them and views their profile, that the woman would make contact.
If you view their profile and don’t make contact, they often think you’re not interested.
If you think that the man is out of your “league” or something like that, make a small, friendly contact anyways. Don’t make the decision for him. Only he can decide. Don’t give in to fear. If he’s not interested, that’s fine. Not everyone is supposed to like everyone. If you get a rude message, be relieved you’re not the poor woman who’ll end up with someone with such a bad personality. Don’t give up. Be yourself. Improve yourself. Be happy.
i need someone to love me for who i’m my pld friends dump me because i’m to fat ugly person to be around them they to look in the mirror before thy jugde people they are ugly’fat like me i don’t care what they say about me anymore at all it’s inside a person then outside person mon said honey pick up your heart that fell put it back together someday someone will find you it will happen soon it take time i been in a bad relationship with someone he alwasy tell me what to do with my life i don’ t tell himhim what to do with his life we don’ t tell each other what to do with our life please help me i’m depress person I need someone special my ex never hit me at all we been in bad relationship with our ex his ex ask him to come back to him he said yes he would he left me fo his ex he said i was cheating on him with me ex but he was the on cheating on me with his I don’t cheat steal sometime i do feb but other tims sweet sexy person to be love sherry
Ladies, what Sandra says is good advice..
I think I have written really good profiles before because I get hundreds of views in less than a week. The problem is it’s just that – views. I once had 2 winks from 100s of views. I’ve noticed some women bump their profiles.. 1st it can get lost in the shuffle. 2nd I was clueless about this at first. 3rd I have been guilty of waiting to see what you will do if I don’t look at your profile. A lot of times you just give up.. Seems strange. I have sent my share of emails and some probably have been horrible. You women need to make an effort too. I agree one line emails are not worth your time, but don’t dismiss a guy you may be into over a bad email if he put some effort into it.
The advice on this site is horrible. Don’t play games. Keep your guard up and meet in a public area.
Sherry Smith – you should prolly talk to a therapist.
I’m having a hard time understanding rule number 7. If we’re talking about a three month timeframe between two people, it should be past the point of online dating and into real dating. So, if the presumption is that women should be email pen pals with a guy for three months first, that is absurd. Any way you cut it, the three month email initiation rule is HORRIBLE ADVICE. If you have a good thing going with a guy (which should be evident after a couple in person encounters), just email (or text) him when you have something you want to say to him. There shouldn’t be any rules about it. And for the record, I met my wife online. We had sex on our first date – so much for rules.
This article should read “games to play online.”
I remotely agree with number 1 and part of number 8 because really no one wants to hear your problems( even if they say they do, it just brings people down).
If I have been chatting with someone in a period of 4months I sure hope that our emails will not go like “HI there, hope ure doing well, maybe next year ur team will have a chance bye bye” and thats it? At this point there should be more than that unless of course one is not interested in a relationship.The above line I would use if it is just a casual encounter, someone I chose to contact when I am bored or need distraction.
If you like someone and have been communicating for a while just be yourself.
I just wanted to let you all know that I had a dreadful experience this week with a well known-dating website that I have paid to be on!! Good looking 35 year old guy who winked at me, favourited me and then IM’d me…he seemed really nice, complimented my photo and for about 30 mins was chatty and normal and then the “sex” talk started! He asked me if I liked tall guys as he was 6ft 4 – I said yes, did he like curvy girls as we’d just had Christmas, I was joking, then that seemed to give him carte blanche to start describing his anatomy if you understand what I mean….He then apologised and for the next hour we talked about things – unfortunately – I probably broke every rule in the book about what to say and when!!!! I’ve never done anything like this before and feel like a teenager trying to date again….I wanted to be honest and get my baggage out in the open, so that if he still wanted to message me he knew more about me. I asked him to email me and he put his mobile number down and asked me to text him. I did and the first thing he said to me was “are you naked” it was late at night….I was shocked!!!!what alarmed me was I ANSWERED him…I couldn’t believe that such a good looking, successful, clever guy (I now know who he is, the fantastic job in London he has etc) was wierd? I thought maybe being out of the dating loop for so very long, that this was what guys did these days….I think he was just after messaage sex…it really alarmed and upset me. How on earth do you get round that? When should the red flags go up in a conversation in IM, I have just come out of a long term marriage with a man who cheated on me and I need my self-confidence and self-esteem improving not being made to feel dirty….This is a young guy too 35! Handsome and obviously quite wealthy…I suppose I should have thought why is he on this site??? But I didn’t – it was almost a feeling of control over me….I didn’t want rejecting again? I wanted to keep him interested, so I suppose I allowed him to control me. My ex has done a great job of rejection and making me feel that everything was “my fault” I suppose I was “putting up with” the talk as I didn’t realise these days whether this sort of thing was normal or not? I don’t mean to sound stupid but can anyone say at what stage a man should want your phone number and then start texting things like “you make me so HORNEY” “I want you so much” etc., etc., I suppose the answer is never eh? I wanted to get to know him properly I wanted him to call me….so I bravely called him and left him a voicemail…he sounded so nice…but even then he didn’t call me back…I must be stupid…but has hurt me a great deal. When he txt me and said Hi gorgeous how are you? I said did you get my voicemail..His reply was “Yes you have a very sexy voice and I feel even hornier now for you. I WANT YOU” I thought What???!!! I was very attracted to him and he to me but he wouldn’t call me on the phone…just kept texting..and always “dirty” in some way :-/ very sad…. Later the same evening, he told me his surname, where he lived where he worked and friended me on his FB page…I friended him….within 5 mins he came back telling me I had a nice ‘chest’…..if you get my drift! again I was shocked. I commented on his FB page and txt him asking why he wouldn’t call me. Next thing, he told me “we need to calm this down. I have been stalked before and hurt dreadfully. Lets just be friends and see what happens.” I couldn’t believe it! After the txts he sent me, he’d instigated it all and all I’d done was be nice, upfront and just wanted him to call me….I txt him back and said that if he’d knew me he would realise how silly it was to infer I was a stalker! and that I’d wanted to be friends and just talk to him. I heard nothing back, so I deleted his number. I went back onto the dating site and blacklisted him…I then noticed he’d taken down his photo!? I thought that was interesting… I know I was stupid, but I’m just trying to understand why someone like him would behave in such an odd and hurtful way…..??? :-(
this is way too childish! just be yourself. If you feel like emailing him..DO IT. dont do anything in excess or desperate , of course..but the advice given here creates stress.
If a guy doesn’t like you…move on.
Great article, this is very useful tips, and I hope to read more update from this article.
@m…The Rules are not for you so why are you here??
@so sad
didn’t you read The Rules? you only have yourself to blame and paragraphs are your friend! I hate to say it but you need professional help if you cannot see THAT HE ONLY WANTED SEX.
Move on! Don’t write another word about this READ THE RULES. Grow up!
Flower white – I hear they are looking for kind, empathetic people at The Samaritans… Maybe YOU should apply. Obviously I’m not as worldly wise as you…
Paragraph
Thank you for your caring words. Gosh you are one angry person…Clearly when asking for advice you are not the sort of person who shd give it.
“I must be stupid”….why, yes you are.
She wrote this nonsense, what a sick chick…seek therapy! Get a blog. But if you write such insane drivel on a message board you are truly mentally ill!
“I must be stupid (WHY, YES YOU ARE!!-FLOWER WHITE)…but has hurt me a great deal. When he txt me and said Hi gorgeous how are you? I said did you get my voicemail..His reply was “Yes you have a very sexy voice and I feel even hornier now for you. I WANT YOU” I thought What???!!! I was very attracted to him and he to me but he wouldn’t call me on the phone…just kept texting..and always “dirty” in some way :-/ very sad…. Later the same evening, he told me his surname, where he lived where he worked and friended me on his FB page…I friended him….within 5 mins he came back telling me I had a nice ‘chest’…..if you get my drift! again I was shocked. I commented on his FB page and txt him asking why he wouldn’t call me. Next thing, he told me “we need to calm this down. I have been stalked before and hurt dreadfully. Lets just be friends and see what happens.” I couldn’t believe it! After the txts he sent me, he’d instigated it all and all I’d done was be nice, upfront and just wanted him to call me….I txt him back and said that if he’d knew me he would realise how silly it was to infer I was a stalker! and that I’d wanted to be friends and just talk to him. I heard nothing back, so I deleted his number. I went back onto the dating site and blacklisted him…I then noticed he’d taken down his photo!? I thought that was interesting… I know I was stupid, but I’m just trying to understand why someone like him would behave in such an odd and hurtful way…..??? :-(
Fair warning for #7, three emails are not going to build up, ever, not responding sends a rather clear message of not being interested.
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