Top 12 Useless Tips for the Expecting Mother

Motherhood is the greatest gift but can also be a very stressful time, especially for first-time moms. Don’t worry! Once baby comes you’ll begin to feel like a natural. So, in the meantime, why not have a little fun? Leslie Cohen, author of THIS LOVE STORY WILL SELF-DESTRUCT, shares a satirical piece for expecting mothers.

 

7 months pregnant? What you really need is (drum roll please!) another list. Yep. That’s right. Coming to you live is an assortment of facts(-ish) and suggestions about how to take advantage of your pre-baby time and how to prepare for motherhood from an organization called Bossy Moms Anonymous*. You’ve seen this kind of thing before. You get all excited. You read, desperately seeking answers. And then you inevitably wind up feeling bad about yourself, unprepared, hardly qualified for the job. But you read the next list anyway. So, let’s get to it. Because everyone loves a vicious cycle.

This Love Story Will Self-Destruct

This Love Story Will Self-Destruct

by Leslie Cohen

  • Get This Love Story Will Self-Destruct
  • Get This Love Story Will Self-Destruct
  • Get This Love Story Will Self-Destruct

  1. Sleep. Check! I do this literally every night. Without fanfare. NBD. Totally crushing this list so far. Just saying.
  2. Enjoy your body. I don’t know what this means, but I’ll try! Body, get me a sandwich!
  3. Listen to loud music. Once the baby is born, the only sounds that will come from your apartment will be screaming or crying. So, like, an average day?
  4. Get a low maintenance haircut. How dare you suggest that this baby will take any time away from my first love: my hair.
  5. Have date nights with your partner. You’ll never be able to do this again after you give birth. Wait what? Is my plan to have someone kidnap my husband while he watches Game of Thrones finally coming to fruition?
  6. Cook and freeze meals for after delivery. LOL.
  7. Enjoy your showers. Will I not be showering? Is this camping? Are we camping? DON’T SCARE ME LIKE THIS.
  8. Have a birthing plan. I need a plan? I thought I had one. I was planning to… you know… give birth? What? No good?
  9. Relish your alone time. You won’t have it for long! You’re kidding? You mean this extremely-high-maintenance-17-different-sets-of-pajamas-requiring blob I’m about to deliver actually counts as company?
  10. Go to the movies alone. And this is where I’ll do my crying.
  11. Don’t stress. Honestly I wasn’t particularly stressed until I saw this list.
  12. Enjoy yourself. Um. I’ve been wearing loose clothing and eating whatever I want for seven months. What makes you think I’m not enjoying myself?

*Dear Bossy Moms Anonymous: all of this aside, I’ll be giving birth in July and hope very much to join your ranks. Also, please don’t leave me. Never change your number. Don’t stop answering my texts. I have a lot of questions!!!!

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Hey, Dad! We didn’t forget about you! Here are some helpful tips for first-time dads.

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