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7 Signs That You’re Done Having Kids

signs you're done having kidsNo matter how many kids you have, at some point you’re going to need to call it a wrap so you can eventually get them all out of the house and move on to other hobbies. So how do you know if you’re done? Here are a few signs. From Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic: And Other Opinions I Can’t Back Up With Facts.

You Bought New Furniture
Only people who are done having babies or are incredibly rich have the gall to buy new furniture. If you’re asking why, chances are you’ve never met a baby. On the other hand, if you haven’t bought new furniture in many years you might still be done having babies, it’s just that the ones you have sucked your bank account dry.

You Got Rid of All Your Old Baby Gear
Chances are if you tossed out, sold, or gave away all your baby clothes, high chairs, blankets, and strollers, you don’t want more babies. Of course, it also makes you more likely to get accidentally pregnant. #JustSaying #UseProtection #ThanksObama

You Smell Your Best Friend’s New Baby and… Nothing
If you don’t start practically lactating when you sniff the head of a newborn, this is a telltale sign that you are over the baby-making period of life. Or you’re a psychopath—either way, you shouldn’t have another baby. What’s wrong with your soul?

You Regularly Get to Sleep Until Eight a.m. on Weekends
If you’ve gotten to the point where you can sleep in on weekends, life is sweet. Your kids are probably at an age where even if they wake up at seven, they can grab a bowl of cereal and work the remote. I bet you’ve been known to do things you haven’t done since you were single and childfree, like lie on the couch for two hours eating leftover chicken dumplings and watching a Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling. You are golden. Life is a cabaret. Don’t fuck it up.

You Celebrated When Your Youngest Was Potty Trained
If you’re that excited by a poop in the potty, it could be because you are over potty training. And if you threw a Poopy in the Potty Party to celebrate (which, let’s be honest, is an issue in and of itself), you’re definitely done having babies! Entertaining is a sure sign that either you’re finally done having young kids or you’re parenting in the seventies and don’t even know where your kids are right now.

The Idea of Baby-Proofing Is Absurd
If the only baby-proofing you plan to do is making your home inhospitable to strange babies, you don’t want more kids. Be honest with yourself! I agree with you! Baby gates are an eyesore! Locks for toilets are a younger mom’s game! Those rubber things that go around the sharp edges of your coffee table need to be outlawed! Do you feel strongly that the only reason to still have a gate around your pool is to keep drunk partygoers from suing? Yeah, you’re not having any more kids, Chacha.

The Best Part of Holding Someone Else’s Baby Is That You Get to Give Them Back
That’s a good sign you’re done having kids but . . . you may be ready to be a grandparent! Geez, if I’d started having kids when my mom started having kids, I’d have a twentyfour-year-old by now. Instead, I’m just the only mom with a kindergartner and arthritis at the same time. Well, me and Halle Berry. Same thing.

Image courtesy landofnod.com.

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