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How to Find a Man

The secret to finding a man and falling in love may surprise you. From Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men by Regena Thomashauer

Many women have a list in their head. It looks like this:

  1. Rich
  2. Wealthy
  3. Well-to-do
  4. Has a lot of money
  5. Handsome
  6. Sense of humor
  7. Has a great job and makes a fabulous living
  8. Caring, compassionate, warm

The problem with a list is that it encourages you to eliminate some fabulous candidates who don’t hit your marks. Sister Goddess Naomi had a list. She was thirty-nine years old, divorced, with no children. She wanted to marry and have a baby. Naomi was a power dater. She had guys crazy about her everywhere she went, and she loved to go out dancing and party and have a wild time. She had been casually dating a gorgeous Italian guy, Matteo, who was ten years younger than she was, and a student here in this country. She didn’t think much of him as a partner because of his youth and economic stature. She met another guy, Murray, who was everything on her list. He was wealthy, well traveled, and he adored her, wanted to marry her, and have a baby with her. All the pieces were in place. He was the right age, the right background, and he was making the right offer. Murray looked right, but he didn’t feel right. She could feel that something was amiss. Murray loved her, was there for her, but she just didn’t have that same sense of fun, of being herself, of laughing in bed, that she had with Matteo. The person who felt right to her was Matteo, but he didn’t match the requirements on her list. What’s a gal to do? Mama suggested to Naomi that she keep all her balls in play. If all she did was to keep going for her fun with each of these guys, the cream would rise to the top. To zip ahead three years, Naomi is three months pregnant with Matteo’s child, and they are planning to marry. She ended up parting from Murray because she just kept having more fun with Matteo. Matteo graduated from school, finally, and now has a great job in finance. So, with an open mind, Naomi followed her intuition, had fun with the candidates, and turned Matteo into the guy on her list, rather than finding a preformed man out there who fit every one of her qualifications.

Learn to Change Your Mind
Sometimes finding a man is just a matter of changing your mind. You can simply make the decision to keep a positive outlook and thus avoid the most destructive force in the universe, self-doubt. When I met Bruce, I had run the experiment of self-doubt to its furthest-reaching consequences. In the years prior to meeting him, I had dismantled my acting career, abandoned my friendships with my best girlfriends from college, and ruined my relationship with my family. Everything in my life was at an all-time low. I remember the moment. I was scrubbing the bathroom of my elderly next door neighbor, who had been my voice teacher. He was very ill, and I had asked two of his other pupils to help me clean and take care of him. It was actually kind of fun to clean with them and to help this infirm man at the same time. I remember sitting on my knees in the bathroom, thinking, Wow, if I can do this and take pleasure in this circumstance, imagine how pleasurable it would be to have my own home, my own family, and my own husband. I surprised myself by even having that thought. I suddenly realized that all my years of being angry and doubting myself had had very real consequences. By doubting my ability to experience happiness, I had made unhappiness a reality. I decided that it was time to leap into a new gear. I didn’t know what gear to call it, but I knew it would have to be very different from the one I had been using. I could prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the doubt method was a disaster. I was ready to take the road less traveled by.

As I said, I knew I was going to marry Bruce before I even met him. It was a desire, the desire to have a marriage and family that awakened me from my doubts. The events that hurtled me to my dreams happened so fast, it was almost like a dream. Within a month or so of recognizing my desire, I changed my life by starting to take some classes and meet new people. This was hard for me because I had put my social life and my career on hold for a long time. I was in the service business — taking care of the elderly, teaching kids, and waiting tables. I remember sitting on my couch one evening after my new friends invited me to a party, and thinking, I don’t want to go to this party. There. That’s final. I won’t go. And then a little voice popped up inside my head and said, “Darling, you know what your life will look like if you don’t get up off your ass and go. You will be sitting in this studio apartment, eating takeout Chinese food alone for the rest of your life. Experiment. Go. See what’s out there.” The vista of eternal dreariness, my own creation, sent a jolt through my being. I practically leapt from the couch and ran careering down the street to the subway, heading toward the party, as though my life depended on it. Which, of course, it did. If I had elected to continue my love affair with my misery, I never would have met Bruce, the love of my life. If I had never met Bruce, I would never have my beautiful daughter, Maggie. Without Maggie, I would have never begun to teach the Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. If I never had begun to teach Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, Mr. Simon and Mr. Schuster would never have asked me to write my first book. If I hadn’t written that book, and had it sell so well, I would not have been invited to write this one. Without this one, you and I would not be having this moment together where I get to hold your hand, gaze deeply into your beautiful eyes, and encourage you to get your ass up off your metaphoric couch. Come, O Sisters mine, summon the courage to hurtle yourselves into your dreams. All that is beautiful about you lives there. I know it takes unbelievable courage. But you can do it. I am here for you, to encourage you, to celebrate you, to fan the flames of your desires. The world longs to hear the bell-like tones that ring when you reach for your dreams. Everyone on this planet will benefit when you give voice to whatever it is you want and allow it to come to its remarkable fruition. Leap, leap, leap for whatever it is you are after. You don’t need to know how to get there. You just need to know that you want something, and you are willing to move in the direction of your dreams.

For me, finding a partner was a direct consequence of pursuing pleasure. Without quite being able to put words around my actions, I was going for my fun as I headed off to this party. I wasn’t logically pursuing a man, just a feeling. Logic has very little to do with desire. It turns out that, at this party, I met the people who became my friends and introduced me to Bruce a few weeks later. I had the desire, they responded to my desire. That is how female desire works, and it’s why you don’t have to worry about the how. Your job is to just say yes. I could not have known that I was laying the pathway for my incredible life by simply saying yes to fun, yes to my desire, but that’s how wonderful the system is. If you keep reaching for fun, your desires will come running down the street after you.

Regena Thomashauer (a.k.a. Mama Gena) is the author of Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men (Copyright 2003 by Regena Thomashauer) and Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. She lives in Manhattan with her husband and daughter.




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