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Bat-Sh*t Crazy Things We Do to Ruin a Good First Impression

first impressionYou want to make a good first impression, yet all you can do is word vomit all over him. Learn how to hold it in. Leave him wanting more by revealing some things, but not all the things. You’re there to keep it light. From I Had a Nice Time and Other Lies…: How to Find Love & Sh*t Like That.

You’re trying to remain a little mysterious here, so one of the worst things you can do is reveal too much personal information on a first date. It’s fine to reveal surface level shit like the fact that you love movies and hate carbs, but don’t be the maniac who brings up her seventh-grade eating disorder or delves into the reasons for her most recent breakup. No one wants to hear about that shit.

First dates are about pretending to be normal for long enough to get to a second date, where you also continue to pretend to be normal until it eventually slips what a psychopath you are. This isn’t a therapy session, don’t reveal how you’re looking for a guy that is just like your dad or that you are going to cut yourself if one more of your friends gets engaged. Being somewhat aloof on a first date will make the guy want to learn more about you as opposed to feeling like he’s gotten your complete life story topped with an invitation to be the next piece of luggage on your emotional baggage carousel.

How to Act: Be flirtatious and maintain eye contact. Remember, you’re on a date, not a business meeting. If you’re not a naturally personable human, then pretend like you’re on The Bachelor and “open up” or “let your guard down” or some shit like that. And if you’re not Zooey-Deschanelendearing-awkward and like, just fucking plain awkward, we suggest drinking a little more. That usually keeps you from looking at everything but the guy sitting across from you and knocking almost everything off the dinner table. If you’re at a bar, don’t look at the TV with the game on and don’t underestimate the power of a subtle arm-touch.

Side note: First dates that aren’t in public are scary and you should not go on them because you will probably be murdered.

After you’ve nailed the first impression, and you’ve avoided being murdered, you can focus on analyzing his kisses.

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