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An Honest List of What Men Really Care About

FootballGame_FootballWidow_400Are women really that complicated? Yes. Here’s the truth: Men are simple. Really simple. It’s not that they aren’t smart. Despite what they do in life, how intelligent they are, and how supposedly interested they are in the women in their lives, I have learned over the years, through much study, that men mainly care about these few basic things. From I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To.

• Food
• Drinks—usually the ones containing alcohol
• Guys’ night out
• Sex
• Masturbation
• Sleep
• Taking a shit
• Power over the remote control
• Gadgets and technology
Watching sports
• Playing sports (often golf)
• Vegas
• Scratching or rearranging their balls
• The fantasy of a ménage à trois
• Appearing cool to other men

That’s about it. There is a kind of elegance to the list—if a list that contains “Taking a shit” can be elegant. Why clutter your mind with a bunch of useless chatter if you don’t have to? And most men don’t have to.

Some men (but not all) are also very invested in their careers and they work a lot. To them, this is also very important because they are earning a living and they want to feel successful in the world. But when they come home to the women in their lives, and they are done working, the above list pretty much sums it up. They might feel temporarily prone to overanalysis if their actions have consequences—like the woman they love leaving them—but otherwise, it’s pretty much business as usual. You get up. You do your work. You finish your work. You go home. You relax and focus on pleasure—food, drink, sports, sex—and then you go to sleep. It actually sounds like a blissful existence to me. I wish I could keep it that simple.

I don’t think I’m being chauvinistic to see it this way. In fact, a lot of my guy friends see this list and totally agree. Some are offended, though. They think that they are complex. They worry. They have emotions. They consider problems. They want to hear about how their partner feels. They know how to “do relationships.” Okay, I can accept that, but here’s what I think: The degree to which men do all these things is 1 percent of the degree to which women do these things, in general. Women are complicated, to the extent that we totally overcomplicate everything. Most women could probably benefit from a good lobotomy. Men are simple. They come pre-lobotomized. Lucky men. There are always exceptions, but hey, I’m just calling it like I see it.

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