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5 Truths About Dating

Many people believe that they can sit around and wait to meet The One. But the truth is, dating takes effort and falling in love requires diligence in meeting new people. Here are five truths about dating in the modern world, from Dating from the Inside Out by Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman.

1. Love requires effort. Finding a mate may take work — let’s face it, even finding yourself does! Telling yourself otherwise makes you passive and puts you at the mercy of your circumstances. Love means getting to know someone and showing you care through your actions; love is a verb. Why shouldn’t dating be the same?

2. Payment is a sign of value. You pay to take care of yourself with clothes, makeup, entertainment, relaxation, good food, and so on. Are these things of more value to you than finding a mate? Modern dating services, dating events, and dating coaches are effective and at your finger-tips. This belief about not paying to meet someone stops daters from taking advantage of available resources. What is more important than finding a great life mate? Put your money where your mouth is and brainstorm about the resources you can bring to bear. From dating classes and season theater tickets to singles vacations, the possibilities are endless!

3. Love is more than destiny. People who think that love is predestined won’t leave their house or lift a finger to meet anyone. It could be that love is predestined, but it could be a long, lonely wait until you meet that person. What are you willing to create in your life in the meantime? Dating gives you experience to learn from. And if love is fate it will happen regardless…but what if it’s not? Are you willing to put in some effort and take responsibility for the love life you are creating?

4. Life opportunities are created. Based on what you are open to, you create opportunities in life. You create job opportunities by going to school, networking, sending out resumes, interviewing, and getting a career coach. Dating should be no different. If you want a relationship, you need to put yourself in situations where you may meet someone. Take a chance with singles events at church, ask family and friends to fix you up, talk to people at parties and in the grocery store. Think of your daily life as a series of opportunities to meet new people.

5. Many things worth having involve some rejection. Be willing to take risks, learn from the process, and stay committed to your goal. Someone can only reject you if you take it that way. Everyone has the right to say no; the story that you then make up about yourself is your responsibility. In relationships, as well as in everything else in life, we need to be willing to go through the no to get to the yes.

Given the dating myths that we’ve just explored, think about how much time and effort you have put into finding your soul mate. Have you tried the classifieds, online dating, dating events, dating coaching and classes, and blind dates? How often? If you told people that you wanted the perfect job but were hoping it would just come to you, you would get some strange looks! We mistakenly think that doing nothing is the best approach when it comes to finding love.

It’s true that sometimes people meet out of the blue. Sometimes they are in school, a class, or a job together and they never even formally date. It is fabulous when this happens. But everyone has at least one area in life where things come easily and at least one where they need to work and grow. Consider this an opportunity to learn through your dating experiences, while expanding your own growth.

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart (Copyright © 2008 by Paulette Kouffman Sherman), is a licensed psychologist and the owner and director of My Dating School in Manhattan (, where she facilitates classes on dating issues. She pens a monthly dating column, “Dr. Date,” in The Improper, a popular New York lifestyle and entertainment magazine, and has been quoted in many publications, including Glamour. Dr. Sherman is a regular speaker at The Learning Annex, has been a dating expert on radio and television, and has coached many private clients on creating successful relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her husband.




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