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4 Easy Steps to Winning After a Breakup

Break-ups are never fun. However, ending a relationship is your perfect time to reinvent yourself and become the best version of whoever you are in life. The Betches, authors of NICE IS JUST A PLACE IN FRANCE, share their steps to winning after a breakup.

You should repeat some form of the following mantra daily:

Whatever, his nose was crooked, he had a small penis, wasn’t that rich, his hairline was receding, and he was too close with his mom.

No matter how upset you are, there’s no need to drown your sorrows in Taco Bell or waste time making up revenge fantasies. Instead, remind yourself that you were better than him in every way, and there’s another bro around every corner. The postbreakup period consists of a series of events designed to rerelease you into the wild.

Step 1: The Breakup Diet. Some girls think a breakup gives them a free pass to stuff their faces with chocolate and ignore their work-out routines. You will know otherwise. You will use this opportunity to become hotter, if that’s even possible. The Breakup Diet is your basic, run-of-the-mill anorexia and exercise, assisted by a liberal intake of Adderall.

Step 2: Deleting your ex-bro from your contact list. This is critical, because you will avoid blacking out and texting him, which will almost certainly embarrass you.

Step 3: Being (or appearing to be) a ho fosho. Immediately following the breakup, wear your sluttiest outfits that border on nudity and prostitution. You already know you look good naked, now it’s time for everyone else to know it too. This will also come in handy when posing with every bro at the bars while your friends snap pics. It goes without saying that your ex will be creepily lingering in a peripheral area, attempting to make eye contact while you shoot him a look that says, I hope you die in a fiery car crash. Extra points for embarrassing him publicly. Making him cry is the ultimate win.

Step 4: Torture via photos. This should be used to demonstrate to your ex how crazy your weekend was, with fifty-plus photos of you practically nude, surrounded by hotter, cooler guys.

When all is said and done, the not-over-it phase can be fun, if you’re able to manipulate the situation so that you’re always in control and never show any emotion. If done correctly, you will return to your former glory, while your ex unsuccessfully patrols the bars for a less hot version of you to take to his sister’s wedding. For the unfortunate guy who let a true betch slip away: Beware, you’re not dealing with a nicegirl. She will make you more hated than Mel Gibson performing a Chris Brown song while wearing Ed Hardy at a Hitler Youth Convention.

Discover more tips on how to dominate a break-up in NICE IS JUST A PLACE IN FRANCE by The Betches!

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Excerpted from Nice Is Just a Place In France by BetchesCopyright © 2013 by author. Used by permission of the publisher. All rights reserved.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash


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