Nobody will do all of these things listed below, from I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO. But any of them are good indicators that your relationship has staying power–or that he has no intention of ever committing to you.
Signs That You Have a Future Together
• You hear secondhand that he has been telling other people about you or bragging about you to his friends.
• He wants to spend weekends and important holidays with you or assumes you will spend them together.
• You don’t only see each other at night. You have daytime plans.
• He makes plans with you for more than two weeks in the future.
• When you tell a story, he looks you in the eye and comments on the details of what you said. He seems genuinely interested in what you are saying. In other words, he’s listening.
• He holds your hand.
• He wants to spend Saturdays with you.
• He acts proud of how you look.
• He acts protective, putting his arm around you and shielding you, maybe unconsciously, from the environment when things get loud, rough, or crowded.
• He is passionate about you. He is obviously happy to be in your company.
• He changed his Facebook status to “In a relationship.”
• He calls you the next day after every date.
• He is comfortable with your toiletry items and with you leaving some things at his house.
• He cares about you—he acts like the world revolves around you.
• Sometimes he gets a little nervous around you, as if he is amazed that somebody like you is with somebody like him.
• He makes an effort to be particularly nice to your parents and friends.
• He takes you to work events and trusts you around his colleagues.
• He opens doors for you and pulls out your chair.
• In restaurants, he lets you order (or orders for you with your permission) before ordering for himself.
• He gives you compliments (but not unrealistic ones or in excess).
• He confides his weaknesses, secrets, or other personal information to you, or is vulnerable around you.
• Your friends tell you that he adores you, or his friends tell you that you are different from his past girlfriends, and that he is different with you than he has been before.
• His parents connect with you and act like you’re going to be around for awhile. They care what you think.
• He acts caring and respectful of you in front of his friends.
• He shows you affection in front of other people.
• His friends know about you.
• He refers to the future, even in subtle ways, like “Someday we should go to Fiji,” or “Wouldn’t it be great if we lived in the mountains?”
• He always checks in with you when you are out.
• He makes you feel safe.
• He handles things or fixes problems for you.
• He stops dating other people.
• He appreciates your quirks.
• He misses you when you go away.
There are also signs that he isn’t serious, that’s he’s just having fun with you and has no intention of ever committing to you. If that’s what you want too, then no problem, but if you are in the market for something more permanent, watch out for these signs that he’s not in it for the long haul:
Signs That You Don’t Have a Future Together
• You meet his friends and they don’t seem to know about you.
• His eyes wander when you tell a story longer than thirty seconds.
• He spends weekends and holidays without you.
• You’ve been together six months or more and he hasn’t introduced you to his family.
• He introduces you as his “friend.”
• He booty-calls you.
• He can go for days without speaking to you.
• He can take or leave being with you.
• He doesn’t listen to you when you talk.
• He compartmentalizes you. You are not integrated into the other parts of his life.
• He is not passionate about you, or the relationship isn’t passionate. (This is only okay if you both genuinely prefer it that way.)
• He goes out on Saturday nights with his friends and only hangs around with you on Sundays or other days when he is hungover or needs an ego boost or has nothing better to do.
• He doesn’t make day plans with you. Your dates are evenings only.
• He blows you off sometimes, often at the last minute, and you are stuck with nothing to do because you canceled your other plans.
• He is habitually late to meet you or pick you up.
• He rushes out in the morning before breakfast.
• He doesn’t change his Facebook status.
• He never takes you to work events.
• He is still dating other people after six months.
• He is disrespectful of you in any way, putting you down or belittling you or the things you do.
• He says harsh or mean things to you, even if he apologizes. I once had a guy call me a piece of shit. He apologized, but that was definitely a sign that the relationship was not going to work.
• His family members misbehave, even if he doesn’t. This isn’t necessarily a red flag, unless it gives you a bad feeling. If several family members are involved in illegal activities, are in jail, or are violent or bigoted or chauvinistic, be careful.
• He abuses drugs or alcohol, or does other things in excess, like gambling.
• He is violent in any way.
These are just a few of the signs that things aren’t going well, but anything could be a sign. Every person is different, so pay attention and listen to your gut. If you think something he says or does implies he is not interested in building a future with you—even if whatever he did or said wouldn’t mean anything coming from somebody else—investigate that feeling. Your gut is probably correct. Whatever it was, no matter how seemingly innocent, may be a harbinger of things to come if it hits you in the gut.
For more relationship advice check out I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO by Bethenny Frankel!
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