Disapproving voices used to harangue, nag, and demean Dr. Karyl McBride with the message that no matter how hard she tried, she could never be good enough. Here’s how she annihilated those “critics” and discovered what had been missing in her life. From her book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
For many years, wherever I went, I was accompanied by a gang of harsh critics who made my life almost unbearable. No matter what I tried to accomplish, they were always there reminding me that I wasn’t up to the task and could never do a good enough job. If I was in the midst of spring-cleaning or working hard on a home improvement project, they screamed at me, “This house will never be what you want it to be.” While I was exercising, they would nag, “It doesn’t matter how hard you try; your body is falling apart, and you’re a wimp. Can’t you lift more weights than that?” I’d make financial decisions, and they would bark at me, “You were always a moron at math, and now you’re a mess at finances!” My internal critics were particularly nasty when it came to my relationships with men, whispering things like “Can’t you see you’re a loser? You always pick the wrong men. Why don’t you just give up?” And most hurtful of all, when I was having problems with my children, they would stridently announce, “Your life choices have harmed your children; you should be ashamed of yourself!”
These incessantly disapproving voices never gave me a moment’s peace. They harangued, nagged, and demeaned me with the overall message that no matter how hard I tried, I could never succeed, could never be good enough. They created such an extreme sensitivity in me that I constantly assumed others were judging me as critically as I was judging myself.
Finally I realized that these “critics” were destroying me emotionally, and I made a decision to annihilate them — it was a question of my very survival. Fortunately, my decision led to my recovery, as well as my research, clinical work, and the writing of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
After I decided that the inner critics had to go, my first order of business was to figure out where they had originated. As a psychotherapist, I figured they were probably connected to my family history, but my background didn’t seem problematic. My family touted a sturdy Dutch, German, Norwegian, and Swedish heritage with a solid work ethic with no overly mean personalities or apparent child abuse. My self-protecting denial reminded me that I had grown up with a roof over my head, clothes to wear, food to eat. So what was my problem? I promised myself I would find out.
Why Am I So Unsure of Myself?
For 28 years I had conducted psychotherapy with hundreds of women and families, which provided me with clinical experience to draw from as I sought to unravel my own internal mystery. I had treated scores of women who shared many of the same symptoms I was finally recognizing within myself: oversensitivity, indecisiveness, self-consciousness, lack of self-trust, inability to succeed in relationships, lack of confidence regardless of our accomplishments, and a general sense of insecurity. Some of my clients had spent unproductive years in therapy with other practitioners, or had purchased stacks of self-help books that never seemed to pinpoint what was causing their pain. My clients ranged from high-powered, successful professionals and CEOs to stayat-home soccer moms to drug addicted mothers on the emotional burden you carry welfare to public figures. Like me, my clients had always felt that they lacked something crucial in their lives that seemed to be connected to the distorted self-image and insecurity that haunted their adult lives. Like me, they felt they were never good enough:
- “I’m always second-guessing myself. I replay a conversation repeatedly, wondering how I could have handled it differently or just to bask in my shame. Most of the time I realize there is no logical reason for me to feel embarrassed, but I still feel that way. I’m really anxious about what other people think of me,” (Jean, 54).
- “People often compliment me on my accomplishments — my master’s degree in communications, my successful public relations career, the children’s book I wrote — but I can’t seem to allow myself the credit I probably deserve. Instead, I beat myself up for what I think I’ve done poorly or should have done better. I’m such a cheerleader for my friends; why can’t I be that way for myself?” (Evelyn, 35).
- “When I die, I’ve told my husband he can carve my tombstone with, ‘She tried, she tried, she tried, she tried, and then she died,’ ” (Susan, 62).
After years of study and clinical work, I began to see that the debilitating symptoms I shared with so many of my female clients had their origin in a psychological problem called narcissism — specifically, our mothers’ narcissism. Much of what I had read regarding narcissism pertained to men, but when I looked at descriptions of it, something clicked. I realized that there are mothers who are so emotionally needy and self-absorbed that they are unable to give unconditional love and emotional support to their daughters. I saw that my clients’ troubled relationships with their mothers, as well as my own relationship with mine, were clearly connected to maternal narcissism.
It became clear to me that the crucial element missing in my own life and in the lives of my insecure, unfulfilled female clients was the nurturing and empathetic love that we all desperately needed — but didn’t get — from our mothers. And our mothers probably hadn’t gotten it from their mothers, either, which means that a painful legacy of distorted love was passed from generation to generation. The more I learned about narcissism and how it plays out in the mother-daughter relationship, the more completely I committed myself to helping instill understanding, selftrust, and self-love in the daughters of narcissistic mothers.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Karyl McBride), is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-eight years of experience in public and private practice. She specializes in treatment of trauma and family-of-origin issues and has served as an expert witness in numerous civil and criminal cases involving children and sexual abuse. She lives in Denver, Colorado.
MORE ARTICLES BY THE AUTHOR
LEARN MORE
- Read Chapter 1 of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
- See the book’s Table of Contents
- Watch the video: Karyl McBride talks about the book and why she wrote it
