When Dr. Karyl McBride decided to write Will I Ever Be Good Enough? , a book on mothers who don’t mother their daughters, and the pain this causes girls and adult daughters, she felt as if she were breaking a taboo.
Our relationship with Mother is birthed simultaneously with our entry into the world. We take our first breath of life, and display the initial dependent, human longing for protection and love in her presence. We are as one in the womb and on the birthing table. This woman, our mother. . . all that she is and is not. . . has given us life. Our connection with her in this instant and from this point forward carries with it tremendous psychological weight for our lifelong well-being. Oddly, I have never wanted to believe this.
First, being a feminist-era mom myself, I didn’t want mothers and women to bear so much responsibility or ultimate blame if things go wrong. Certainly many factors other than mothering shape a child’s life. Second, I didn’t want to face how feeling like an unmothered child had such a devastating effect on me and my life. To acknowledge this meant I had to face it.
While doing research over the years, I have read many books that discuss the mother-daughter bond. Each time I read a different volume, unexpected tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of the scent of Mother’s perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice singing in the kitchen, the solace of her rocking, holding and comforting, the intellectual stimulation and joy of being read to.
I knew this was not natural, but could not find a book that explained this lack. It made me feel somewhat crazy. Was I delusional, or just a chick with a poor memory? I could not find a book that explained that this phenomenon of feeling unmothered could be a real deal and that there could be mothers who are not maternal. Nor could I find a book that discussed the conflicted feelings that their daughters have about these mothers, the frustrated love, and even sometimes the hatred. Because good girls aren’t supposed to hate their mothers, they don’t talk about these bad feelings. Motherhood is a sacred institution in most cultures and therefore is generally not discussed in a negative light. When I decided to write a book on mothers who don’t mother their daughters, and the pain this causes girls and adult daughters, I felt as if I were breaking a taboo. Reading books about the mother-daughter bond always gave me the sensation of a deep loss and the fear that I was alone in this suffering. Experts wrote of the complexity of the mother-daughter connection, how it is rife with conflict and ambivalence, but I felt something different — a void, a lack of empathy and interest, and a lack of feeling loved. For many years, I did not understand and tried to rationalize it.
Other members of the family and well-intentioned therapists explained it away with various excuses. Like a good girl, I tried to make excuses and take all the blame. It was not until I began to understand that the emotional void was a characteristic result of maternal narcissism that the pieces began to fit together. The more I learned about maternal narcissism, the more my experience, my sadness, and my lack of memory made sense. This understanding was the key to my beginning to recover my own sense of identity, apart from my mother. I became more centered, taking up what I now call substantial space, no longer invisible (even to myself) and not having to make myself up as I go along. Without understanding, we flail around, we make mistakes, feel deep unworthiness, and sabotage ourselves and our lives.
Writing Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers has been a culmination of years of research and a soul journey that took me back to when I was a little girl who knew something was wrong, feeling that the absence of nurturing was not normal, but not knowing why. I wrote Will I Ever Be Good Enough? in the hopes that I can help other women understand that those feelings were and are not their fault.
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These are all very comforting and eye opening stories. Mine is a little different. I moved in with a lady I call Mom when I was 19 because we were of the same religious background. Today at almost 26 I’m ready to move out because I can’t handle the way I’m treated any longer. She already has a daughter (and only child) who’s 2 years younger than me and I definitely don’t take back what both of them have taught me about life. But ever since we contemplated moving out of state in 2008 things started to get sour. We never really had a true mother daughter relationship for what ever reason. It could be because I really wasn’t her daughter but when the move finally came she told me “I don’t really like you”. Oddly strangers, my friends, my co-workers, and my birth family have not had any problems with “not liking me” and have also said I’m very friendly and easy to talk to. Now I’ve got a job since our move to this new state and I foot a lot of financial responsibility (Over half of rent, the combined cable, phone, and internet bill, the electric bill, food on most occasions, gas even though I don’t own a car and I rarely ask for a ride, plus all of my own personal bills). At my new job I’ve ran into some wonderful women that have really helped me figure out what I need is to have my own place because this relationship we have is obviously not working. I decided I’ll move out. I haven’t done so yet but just let her know today by letter because I can’t seem to talk to her about a personal problem without feeling horrible about myself afterwards, and she completely disliked the idea of me moving to start over, threw it all back in my face and turned it into an issue I was trying to avoid so we wouldn’t be going in circles. Thank GOD for Google, as I read the letter she wrote back I thought about a mother-daughter bond and this was the first helpful article that came up. Even though I’m upset and cried this evening asking God why things the way they were, I comfortably know that this is how it’s always going to be between us and that it’s best that I try something new in my life out of her presence. There’s definitely a WHOLE lot more to the story, but I will definitely purchase the book to see how I can benefit from it.
This is a great resource for people who were either literally or figuratively abandoned. I find so many insights and comforts every time I listen. The key resources the unmothered needs are: intuition, self-guidance, and being conscious and aware:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Warming-Stone-Child-Abandonment-Unmothered/dp/1591793033
Thanks for sharing, Erin! We know this issue affects so many of our readers.
I am comforted in knowing there are others that have the same issues as I with their mother. It wasn’t until I was 40, did i start to figure out the reasons for my mother’s distain for me.
This article has definitely been helpful for me…i have a narcissistic mother..almost a psychopath..am glad i now know…i always thought i was the only one in this world that has a mother who does not approve of anything i do, always seen as envious of my achievements and speaks with so much bitterness and hatred towards me. I am wiser.
I hate my mother. At 34, it seems as though my hatred for her is now a sure thing. I don’t have a relationship with. I hate the person she is and her sickness. I am certainly happy her marriage to my father did not work and he divorced her. I never really used to care about these things. We just never got along. But then again, she did not raise me. I was raised by my paternal grandmom. A very loving woman. A real mother.
I have been told that my mother was not raised with love, which is why she is unable to give it to her children. My family is pretty much broken. A very weak family. My siblings and I have zero allegiance to one another; the foundation of our family is so weak, a simple gossip can destroy our fragile and fake bond to one another.
When I gave birth to my son, my mother threw my son and I out her home. It’s funny, the very same thing happened to her, when she gave birth to my younger brother, decades before. My mother is a toxic woman. I am saddened that she is my mother. Very saddened.
We don’t speak at all. She does call on my birthdays to wish me a Happy Birthday and I call her on hers. Other than that we don’t speak for the remaining 363 days of the year.
I do not hate my Mother. As a child she seemed very wounded. I know she was a change-of-life baby and her childhood was not filled with the sentimental familial activities having been born to parents in their late 40s. We have never been close; in fact, she always made me feel I was not pretty enough compared to her beauty at the same ages. My Mother’s marriage technically ended the week of my sixteenth birthday! I have been married twenty-three years, but cannot say I have always been happy. Many times my husband will sound like my Mother — causing me to think I fell into the psychological trap of marrying my Mother, rather than a man like my (absent) Father. At any rate, the lessons I missed most were how to be a girl, talking about dating – what I should expect — not accept, etc. It seemed to me the message was take whatever man will have me, which of course was the greatest devaluation of my femininity. Girls who begin exploring life from this lack of girlishness must teach themselves the value of their own bodies through years of mistaking sex for love. At 54 it is easy to talk to my sons about healthy sexuality because they needed to have a sense of self that is separate and private but not based on shame. Maybe I don’t exactly love my Mother either, but let it rain and I’ll be the first to put the umbrella over her head anyway. That much I learned from my Mother’s Mother! Ironic…?
I am currently dealing with a narcissistic mother. When she was pregnant with me, my dad cheated on her with someone else and they broke up. Ever since then, she blames me for what my dad did. If I get an award or something, she doesn’t say a damn thing. But when I make a mistake, it’s like Christmas to her. She’ll constantly remind me of the mistake to torture me. And I was five when that started. She withheld love, support… Ever since I turned four, she stopped giving me hugs. It was like I was invincible.
Now, it’s really difficult to deal with my mum, cause I don’t know how to receive maternal love. She keeps telling me I’m fat and that I should’ve never existed. Also, she threaten to kill me.
So now, I’m currently suffering from anorexia and depression because of her
Thanks for sharing your story. Most importantly, you are not alone. We encourage you to find a therapist or group therapy with individuals who share your experience. I can tell you from reading comments from others that many people have sought help and found the love they deserve! Best of luck to you.
HMMMM. Blame mom. She was not good enough, and that’s why so many women are angry and hostile. I wonder how the mothers would respond to these daughter’s descriptions. BTW, I don’t much like my mother, so I tried to do everything differently with my kids, and guess what? They hate me.
I have been looking on and off for years, just didn’t phrase it right. My mom has always been negative my whole life. There have been tiny things. The first time i really remember is when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter. I called my mom to tell her the good news and she said “well, i am not going to babysit” no congratulations or anything. She doesn’t do any self-reflection. And when she asks a question, she is looking for a specific answer and if she doesn’t get it she will badger you until you are so angry you end up yelling at her. Then she looks at you like you’re crazy because she just doesn’t get it.
wow Mary…I have been doing research and have basically realized my mom is a narcissist. But she’s not nearly as overtly bad as a lot of women’s mothers that I’ve read about so sometimes I’m not sure. But what you just wrote made me feel like I’d written it. My mom is almost impossible for me to talk to, and I almost always feel bad about myself after our conversations, no matter what the topic. She doesn’t filter a single word out of her mouth and she never stops to think about how what she’s saying could affect me. This has resulted in hundreds of bubble bursting, soul-crushing, completely inappropriate, disrespectful and paranoid things she’s said to me during my life. She also does the thing where she can’t LISTEN to you- it has to be about you answering her questions, trying to lead you to some point she wants to make, or some wacky conclusion she has jumped to that has nothing to do with how you feel or what has happened in your life.
My mother was abused in all ways as a child. There was also great poverty and her father was a drunk.
She managed to crawl out of this murk, marrying my father, who adored her. I was their 3rd daughter, and have a younger sister. My mum did really well by self education and was good with money. This meant that, despite my dad’s poor wages, my mum managed to eventually leave us a 5 bedroomed house in her will. We would not be where we are today if it had not been for her ability to do a lot on very little money, and I am truly grateful. What I can never understand is why I grew up feeling she resented me, at best, and actively disliked me at worst. I know she had ghosts from her past, and all that negativity and pain has to go somewhere. I just don’t understand why I got it all. She had a fantastic relationship with my younger sister, and had pretty good relationships with my other sisters. But my memories are all painful and sad when i think of her. And yet, she always said i was most like her.Perhaps she didn’t really like herself, and therefor didn’t like me?
My daughter is in her 30s and has hated me since she was 16. I was never good enough for her. I was raised with a mother who I know cared for me, but was not just the touchy/feely kind. I did not get much attention and that was ok to me. Back in the 60s where I grew up that was acceptable and I never felt cheated. My daughter feels that I should have been more huggy and hands on. She hardly ever speaks to me now and she has talked behind my back for years to many people, saying horrible untrue things about me. Yet she has never said these things to me. There are 2 sides to every coin. Can’t we all just Love each other and understand our differences.
Thank you for your article. It made me feel comforted to know that I am not alone in hating my mother. You’re right about pointing out that good girls don’t hate their mothers and because I do, I always felt that there is something wrong with me, like I was being a difficult child and deserved the horrible treatment from my mother. That’s why I never talk about hating my mother to my friends because I don’t want them to judge me or see me in a negative light. When I was younger, I used to be easily affected by what my mother said to me. She’d call me “ugly”, “a failure” and threatened to “chop me dead”. I lost all belief in myself and was nearly driven to end my own life. But I managed to come through on my own. Now, I have a stronger sense of self-belief and I try as much as possible to ignore her and carry on with my life. She still threatens to kill me. In fact, she has tried to pull me towards an open window and throw me down the building. She has also pointed a pair of scissors at me and seriously intended to “stab me to death”. If anything, I fear for my life now. There is no guarantee what she’d do. But for now, I’ll keep holding on, keep living and keep believing that there is a brighter future somewhere out there for me.
I’m sorry but I totally disagree with all this mommy bashing and hatred! Your hatred has nothing to do with your mother! Please come on with all the Mommy Dearest drama! This society has done nothing but cripple the Feminine to it’s detriment! Continue with this lunacy and watch the whole world die before your eyes. Start actually supporting your mothers! So what she did not give you everything you needed. Look what society gives to mothers and the thanks they get. This article is nothing but continuing in the cycle of abuse that mothers and women constantly get bombarded with. Sorry but I just don’t agree. Health and wellness and wholeness to you all. May you finally find peace with your own Divine Masculine and Feminine energies!!
well to me i think my mom is different to other mom’s because not all the time i could be open to her and it hurts me to know that she kidda treats my smaller sister better than me and its like i dont have no one to talk to about it except my friend Mark.He understands it better. i just hope one day in my teenage life i could be close and always open to my mom. sometimes it’s so hard to please her but most important with my mom she always put what ever she has to do behind her and be their for me but :/ not all the time we get the mother-daughter thing that you know we sit together and like really talk…. to me i think im closer to my dad because he allows me to be open to him and he understands me more and you know we talk and it makes me feel so happy that you know i have this one person that i can be open to and talk to about my feeling,school,,emotions,,teenage life etc i just hope one day my mom can be like that
My mother is not narcissitic or crazy. In fact she is loved by many. She is very caring to many people around her. But one thing I know and feel is…she doesn’t like me. I wrote her my first letter regarding this issue when I was 20. She told me I was exaggerating and this was something I did often. She always tells me why I wouldn’t be fit to do the things I want to do…then tries to push me towards the things she want’s me to do. When I was awarded doing my youth, I don’t ever remember getting any words from her. She’d tell people she didn’t want me to get too “big headed.” She exploded at me one day when I told her I didn’t feel sorry for the mother of my brother’s children because she chose her life. My mother called me a monster in front of people we knew. I told my father my boyfriend was going to send me money for my vehicle, she chimed in and said don’t ask men for money. I’ve never asked men for money and she know’s this. I felt as though she was judging me based on that one statement. If I had a sister, I don’t think she’d treat her any different. But my brother…she has always adored him. Him and I are very different. I’m afraid the mistreatment I received from my mother growing up has been what’s made me somewhat awkward socially. I’ll never understand it.
Can you,if so do tell,how do you make the connection between your mind and subconscious mind in order to understand necessesities to heal?
To all mother haters:do not continue the cycle and start with the understanding that if it wasnt for this woman,you wouldnt be here ! Begin with having respect for this truth and then the rest is easily understood from there.