What Every Successful Marriage Needs

Joe Beam is an internationally known inspirational speaker and author. He founded Beam Research Center and serves as its chairman. He has spoken to millions of people worldwide in personal appearances as well as appearances on TV and radio, including ABC’s Good Morning America, Focus on the Family, the Montel Williams Show, NBC's Today Show, The Dave Ramsey Show, The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, and magazines such as People and Better Homes and Gardens.

MarriedMan_Ring_400Without respect, it doesn’t matter if your relationship has everything else going for it. Learn how a lack of respect can doom a marriage, and how you can better show respect to your spouse. From the The Art of Falling in Love.

The Art of Falling in Love

The Art of Falling in Love

by Joe Beam

View Details

  • Get The Art of Falling in Love
  • Get The Art of Falling in Love
  • Get The Art of Falling in Love
  • Get The Art of Falling in Love
  • Get The Art of Falling in Love

While we hear a great deal about the importance of communication in a marriage, I personally believe that respect is even more crucial. Why is that?

Long-term relationships mean dealing with the person rather than the picture. Up‑close and personal, we see every flaw in clearer detail as time moves on. Couples begin to find increasing grounds for disappointment with each other. Perhaps a wife, after giving birth three times, no longer has the trim waistline that originally attracted her husband. He feels she is letting herself go, and his respect decreases, fair or not. Meanwhile, he sits in the recliner and flips television channels while his wife bathes and dresses the kids. She gives up on nagging but loses respect for the man she married.

The problem comes when one person treats the other with disrespect. Look up respect in a dictionary, and you will find the meaning I use here. Respect for another means “esteeming that person as having worth or excellence.” We express this positive esteem for who and what the person is in the way we speak to and act toward that person. Disrespect, therefore, is the opposite. It is when one person speaks to or acts toward the other in a way that communicates a lack of esteem, leaving the person with a feeling that he or she is worthless.

How have I seen it demonstrated? Let me list a couple of ways I have seen recently: a husband verbally berating his wife because her opinion on a matter differed from his; a wife snidely telling everyone at the dinner table that her husband has no business acumen and if it were not for her stepping in, they would be broke. Disrespect is any action, verbal or otherwise, that causes the other to feel a lack of worth.

Once, during Marriage Helper, our weekend workshop for marriages in crisis, I got to know a husband and wife who were on the verge of divorce. Both were highly attractive and intelligent. They came to our workshop because she had fallen in love with another man and intended to divorce her husband. Though her husband wanted to make things work, it quickly became obvious that their problems began with his disrespectful treatment of her.

She spoke of occasions when she offered an opinion of some kind. His response would be to roll his eyes and say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Let her mention how she felt about something, and he responded with a declaration that she had no right to feel that way. Rather than behaving as her partner in life, he treated her as if she were his inferior. He acted as if her thoughts and feelings had no importance at all.

She put up with years of this treatment until she met a man who gave her respect. “He’s not perfect. It’s not that he’s the man of my dreams,” she said. “The real difference is that when I speak, he listens to everything I say. He might not even agree with my comments—that is not the important thing. He lets me know that he understands why I see it the way I do. Sometimes he’ll explain where he differs, but he always treats me as an equal, not some moron needing correction.”

During the Marriage Helper weekend, I felt that the wife and her husband were making some progress; maybe he was beginning to see that he could rescue their relationship if he treated her with respect. Unfortunately, he never got it.

On Sunday, the husband was at the workshop alone. I had to call his wife on the phone and ask her to come, as a favor to me. She said she would do that, but only for me, not for him, because I treated her with respect. In our final sessions, there was a breakthrough on her part. She changed her mind about the future: “I’m still in love with the other man. But I’m going to stay in my marriage and try to make it work—”

Her husband interrupted. “Oh, come on, you don’t love him!”

She got up and walked out of the room. I told him that he had blown his last chance and that his hope was gone. “You don’t grasp the principle. She simply wanted to be treated as an equal, not a child. And she’s going to the man who gives her what she needs.”

Let me offer you a few simple words that will make an amazing difference in your relationship: “I can see why you would feel that way.” Another version: “I understand why you would think that way.”

It is not a question of wrestling our conversations into agreement on every little issue. We cannot always agree, but we can always offer mutual respect. When we lose that, we lose each other, because we all crave respect for who we are and for what we believe.

If this is a problem for you, and you struggle in extending respect for your partner, may I suggest that you remember this: what your mate thinks or feels is just as valid as what you think or feel. Even when you do not agree, you must treat each other with respect if you wish for your marriage to last a lifetime. People who are treated as inferiors in learning, logic, or emotions usually take it only for so long before all that anger explodes. When it does, your marriage may be over forever.

More Stories >

Debugging information below
(This will not show up in Production)

Total Queries ran on page 58
Time Query
Time Query
0.00072097778320312 SELECT ID, post_name, post_parent, post_type FROM wp_posts WHERE post_name IN ('love-and-relationships','what-every-successful-marriage-needs') AND post_type IN ('page','attachment')
0.00059700012207031 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.post_name = 'what-every-successful-marriage-needs' AND wp_posts.post_type = 'post' ORDER BY wp_posts.post_date DESC
0.00050806999206543 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (3699) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
8.2015991210938E-5 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON t.term_id = tt.term_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND t.slug = 'love-and-relationships' ORDER BY t.name ASC
7.7962875366211E-5 SELECT term_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_termmeta WHERE term_id IN (6) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.00046300888061523 SELECT tr.term_taxonomy_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tr.object_id IN (3699) AND tt.taxonomy IN ('category') ORDER BY tr.term_taxonomy_id ASC
0.00022602081298828 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 3699 LIMIT 1
0.0010361671447754 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3699) ORDER BY t.name ASC
0.00021910667419434 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '256'
0.00033402442932129 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (256) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.0010120868682861 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('post_tag') AND tr.object_id IN (3699) ORDER BY t.name ASC
0.0002288818359375 SELECT term_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_termmeta WHERE term_id IN (1913,947,3946,10,3953,3948,66,2825,195,526,3950,5027,3945,3916) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.00081396102905273 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('post_format') AND tr.object_id IN (3699) ORDER BY t.name ASC
7.0095062255859E-5 SELECT tr.object_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('nav_menu') AND tt.term_id IN ('10280') ORDER BY tr.object_id ASC
8.9883804321289E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (15201,17412,17413,17414,17415,17416,17417,17418,17419,17420,17421,17422,17423,17424,17425) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'nav_menu_item' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.menu_order ASC
8.4161758422852E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (2) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'page' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.post_date DESC
0.00067806243896484 SELECT t.term_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3699) ORDER BY t.name ASC
6.7949295043945E-5 SELECT tr.object_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('nav_menu') AND tt.term_id IN ('10282') ORDER BY tr.object_id ASC
8.392333984375E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (15204,15205,15206,15207,15208) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'nav_menu_item' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.menu_order ASC
7.3909759521484E-5 SELECT t.term_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3699) ORDER BY t.name ASC
6.9856643676758E-5 SELECT tr.object_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('nav_menu') AND tt.term_id IN ('10282') ORDER BY tr.object_id ASC
8.0108642578125E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (15204,15205,15206,15207,15208) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'nav_menu_item' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.menu_order ASC
7.1048736572266E-5 SELECT t.term_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3699) ORDER BY t.name ASC
0.00058794021606445 SELECT p.ID FROM wp_posts AS p WHERE p.post_date > '2013-01-03 16:03:52' AND p.post_type = 'post' AND p.post_status = 'publish' ORDER BY p.post_date ASC LIMIT 1
0.00021886825561523 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 3848 LIMIT 1
0.00081706047058105 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3848) ORDER BY t.name ASC
6.103515625E-5 SELECT term_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_termmeta WHERE term_id IN (3) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.005012035369873 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781451672657';
0.00023007392883301 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 8729 LIMIT 1
0.00044703483581543 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (11971) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0051629543304443 SELECT SQL_CALC_FOUND_ROWS wp_posts.ID FROM wp_posts INNER JOIN wp_postmeta ON ( wp_posts.ID = wp_postmeta.post_id ) WHERE 1=1 AND ( ( wp_postmeta.meta_key = 'bk_isbn' AND CAST(wp_postmeta.meta_value AS CHAR) = '9781451672657' ) ) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'book' AND (wp_posts.post_status = 'publish') GROUP BY wp_posts.ID ORDER BY wp_posts.post_date DESC LIMIT 0, 15
0.00010108947753906 SELECT FOUND_ROWS()
0.00056195259094238 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (8729) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.004115104675293 SELECT SQL_CALC_FOUND_ROWS wp_posts.ID FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND ( wp_posts.post_date >= '2012-01-01 00:00:00' ) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'post' AND (wp_posts.post_status = 'publish') ORDER BY RAND() LIMIT 0, 4
8.702278137207E-5 SELECT FOUND_ROWS()
0.00035309791564941 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE ID IN (7968,4160,14797,16656)
0.0022928714752197 SELECT t.*, tt.*, tr.object_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category', 'post_tag', 'post_format') AND tr.object_id IN (4160, 7968, 14797, 16656) ORDER BY t.name ASC
0.0015130043029785 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (4160,7968,14797,16656) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.00029110908508301 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '162'
0.00032305717468262 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (162) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.00022697448730469 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 7974 LIMIT 1
0.00043988227844238 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (7974) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0050528049468994 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781476709475';
0.00020813941955566 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 7430 LIMIT 1
7.0810317993164E-5 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '70'
0.00038695335388184 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (70) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.0048470497131348 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781451678017';
0.0002140998840332 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 6259 LIMIT 1
7.7009201049805E-5 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '20'
0.00037503242492676 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (20) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.0002140998840332 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 14863 LIMIT 1
0.00037884712219238 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (14863) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
6.6995620727539E-5 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '398'
0.00026392936706543 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (398) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.00021505355834961 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 8526 LIMIT 1
0.00036287307739258 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (8526) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0053319931030273 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781476707693';
0.00022602081298828 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 17008 LIMIT 1
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 3699
    [post_author] => 256
    [post_date] => 2013-01-03 16:03:52
    [post_date_gmt] => 2013-01-03 21:03:52
    [post_content] => MarriedMan_Ring_400Without respect, it doesn’t matter if your relationship has everything else going for it. Learn how a lack of respect can doom a marriage, and how you can better show respect to your spouse. From the The Art of Falling in Love.

While we hear a great deal about the importance of communication in a marriage, I personally believe that respect is even more crucial. Why is that?

Long-term relationships mean dealing with the person rather than the picture. Up‑close and personal, we see every flaw in clearer detail as time moves on. Couples begin to find increasing grounds for disappointment with each other. Perhaps a wife, after giving birth three times, no longer has the trim waistline that originally attracted her husband. He feels she is letting herself go, and his respect decreases, fair or not. Meanwhile, he sits in the recliner and flips television channels while his wife bathes and dresses the kids. She gives up on nagging but loses respect for the man she married.

The problem comes when one person treats the other with disrespect. Look up respect in a dictionary, and you will find the meaning I use here. Respect for another means "esteeming that person as having worth or excellence." We express this positive esteem for who and what the person is in the way we speak to and act toward that person. Disrespect, therefore, is the opposite. It is when one person speaks to or acts toward the other in a way that communicates a lack of esteem, leaving the person with a feeling that he or she is worthless.

How have I seen it demonstrated? Let me list a couple of ways I have seen recently: a husband verbally berating his wife because her opinion on a matter differed from his; a wife snidely telling everyone at the dinner table that her husband has no business acumen and if it were not for her stepping in, they would be broke. Disrespect is any action, verbal or otherwise, that causes the other to feel a lack of worth.

Once, during Marriage Helper, our weekend workshop for marriages in crisis, I got to know a husband and wife who were on the verge of divorce. Both were highly attractive and intelligent. They came to our workshop because she had fallen in love with another man and intended to divorce her husband. Though her husband wanted to make things work, it quickly became obvious that their problems began with his disrespectful treatment of her.

She spoke of occasions when she offered an opinion of some kind. His response would be to roll his eyes and say, "You don’t know what you’re talking about." Let her mention how she felt about something, and he responded with a declaration that she had no right to feel that way. Rather than behaving as her partner in life, he treated her as if she were his inferior. He acted as if her thoughts and feelings had no importance at all.

She put up with years of this treatment until she met a man who gave her respect. "He’s not perfect. It’s not that he’s the man of my dreams," she said. "The real difference is that when I speak, he listens to everything I say. He might not even agree with my comments—that is not the important thing. He lets me know that he understands why I see it the way I do. Sometimes he’ll explain where he differs, but he always treats me as an equal, not some moron needing correction."

During the Marriage Helper weekend, I felt that the wife and her husband were making some progress; maybe he was beginning to see that he could rescue their relationship if he treated her with respect. Unfortunately, he never got it.

On Sunday, the husband was at the workshop alone. I had to call his wife on the phone and ask her to come, as a favor to me. She said she would do that, but only for me, not for him, because I treated her with respect. In our final sessions, there was a breakthrough on her part. She changed her mind about the future: "I’m still in love with the other man. But I’m going to stay in my marriage and try to make it work—"

Her husband interrupted. "Oh, come on, you don’t love him!"

She got up and walked out of the room. I told him that he had blown his last chance and that his hope was gone. “You don’t grasp the principle. She simply wanted to be treated as an equal, not a child. And she’s going to the man who gives her what she needs.”

Let me offer you a few simple words that will make an amazing difference in your relationship: "I can see why you would feel that way." Another version: "I understand why you would think that way."

It is not a question of wrestling our conversations into agreement on every little issue. We cannot always agree, but we can always offer mutual respect. When we lose that, we lose each other, because we all crave respect for who we are and for what we believe.

If this is a problem for you, and you struggle in extending respect for your partner, may I suggest that you remember this: what your mate thinks or feels is just as valid as what you think or feel. Even when you do not agree, you must treat each other with respect if you wish for your marriage to last a lifetime. People who are treated as inferiors in learning, logic, or emotions usually take it only for so long before all that anger explodes. When it does, your marriage may be over forever.

    [post_title] => What Every Successful Marriage Needs
    [post_excerpt] => Without respect, it doesn’t matter if your relationship has everything else going for it. Learn how a lack of respect can doom a marriage, and how you can better show respect to your spouse. From the The Art of Falling in Love.
    [post_status] => publish
    [comment_status] => open
    [ping_status] => closed
    [post_password] => 
    [post_name] => what-every-successful-marriage-needs
    [to_ping] => 
    [pinged] => 
    [post_modified] => 2015-03-19 16:53:30
    [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-03-19 20:53:30
    [post_content_filtered] => 
    [post_parent] => 0
    [guid] => http://www.tipsonlifeandlove.com/?p=3699
    [menu_order] => 0
    [post_type] => post
    [post_mime_type] => 
    [comment_count] => 3
    [filter] => raw
)