The Surprising Secret to a Happy Marriage

Dr. Steven Craig is a therapist, corporate coach, and host of “Therapy Thursdays” on Detroit’s 96.3 WDVD radio. He has appeared on ABC World News Tonight with Charles Gibson as well as in the New York Times, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and numerous other local, national, and international publications. He lives in West Bloomfield, Michigan.

The surprising secret to a happy marriage from the book 6 Husbands Every Wife Should HaveWhat is the “secret sauce” that makes a happy marriage work? Many people resist it. The important thing to remember is that what couples need from each other evolves throughout life. From The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together.

The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together

The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together

by Dr. Steven Craig

View Details

  • Get The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together
  • Get The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together
  • Get The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together
  • Get The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together

When they marry, most people say things like, “I love you just the way you are; don’t ever change!”—and they really mean it. The notion that their spouse might change is scary and nonsensical to most newlyweds. Furthermore, popular opinion supports this idea, dictating that marriages fail because people change. But of course people change! All healthy people grow and change as they mature. It’s those who don’t change who find themselves trapped in unhealthy marriages. The truth is, most marriages don’t fail because people change, they fail because people don’t change.

Couples need to change and grow in order to invigorate and rejuvenate their relationship. Despite all we’ve been told about the power of love to surmount all odds, successful marriages don’t happen because two people fall in love; they happen when two people fall in love over and over again with each other. That can only happen when two people change together in whatever ways their lives and their marriage require.

If you accept this basic premise, a lot of the seemingly contradictory pressures of modern marriage make a lot more sense. As a marriage counselor and psychologist with more than fifteen years of experience, I often see men and women who feel like they just can’t win. It’s as if they’re living a life filled with relentless pressure: pressure to stay home with the kids and, at the same time, pressure to go to work and make more money; pressure to drop some of their old friends and old habits and develop new friends and new habits. They also feel pressure to be tough and in charge, but also to be sensitive and vulnerable. They think that if they could just eliminate these pressures, their life and their marriage would be okay again.
Women often say things like, “He knew what I was like when he married me, and now he wants me to be different. He knew that I had a lot of hobbies and interests and that I didn’t like spending weekends at home being a couch potato.”

“It sounds like he wants a different wife,” I usually comment.

“Absolutely!” is the common response.

Men often say things like, “She knew what I was like when she married me, and now she wants me to be different. She knew that I liked to drink and hang out with my buddies and that I wasn’t particularly interested in talking about my feelings and stuff like that.”

To this, I usually respond, “It sounds like she wants a different husband.”

“Absolutely!” is the common response.

“So what am I supposed to do?” they both want to know.

My advice is usually the same. “It sounds like it’s time for a change,” I say. “It’s time for you to become the new spouse he (or she) is looking for!”—the one you both deserve.

FatherDaughter_Bench_567

When It’s OK to Rehash the Past

Ron Pevny is the founder and director of the Center for Conscious Eldering. He received his masters degree in Integral Counseling and Psychotherapy from the California Institute of Integral Studies. He is a Certified Sage-ing Leader with Sage-ing International and is a member of their Coordinating Circle. He is also active in the Life Planning Network and is a contributor to Second Journey. He conducts workshops across the country, including at Earthrise and IONS Retreat Center.

AndreGiantScene400

Skinnygirl Cocktails Recipe: Death By Chocolate

Bethenny Frankel is the four-time bestselling author of Skinnydipping, A Place of Yes, Naturally Thin, and The Skinnygirl Dish. She is the creator of the Skinnygirl brand—which extends to cocktails, fitness, and health—and currently stars as the host of her own talk show, Bethenny. She has been named one of the Top 100 Most Powerful Celebrities by Forbes magazine and is regularly featured in both Health magazine and Glamour. She is a graduate of the Natural Gourmet Institute for Health and Culinary Arts. Bethenny lives in New York with her daughter, Bryn, and dog, Cookie.

More Stories >

Debugging information below
(This will not show up in Production)

Total Queries ran on page 59
Time Query
Time Query
0.00072097778320312 SELECT ID, post_name, post_parent, post_type FROM wp_posts WHERE post_name IN ('love-and-relationships','the-surprising-secret-to-a-happy-marriage') AND post_type IN ('page','attachment')
0.00056910514831543 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.post_name = 'the-surprising-secret-to-a-happy-marriage' AND wp_posts.post_type = 'post' ORDER BY wp_posts.post_date DESC
0.00049304962158203 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (3599) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.00042104721069336 SELECT tr.term_taxonomy_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tr.object_id IN (3599) AND tt.taxonomy IN ('category') ORDER BY tr.term_taxonomy_id ASC
0.00021505355834961 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 3599 LIMIT 1
0.00085210800170898 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3599) ORDER BY t.name ASC
6.2942504882812E-5 SELECT term_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_termmeta WHERE term_id IN (6) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
7.2956085205078E-5 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '144'
7.2956085205078E-5 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (144) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.00098705291748047 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('post_tag') AND tr.object_id IN (3599) ORDER BY t.name ASC
0.00017309188842773 SELECT term_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_termmeta WHERE term_id IN (2827,146,3729,3069,3730,3856,3855,3731,3732,2832,2825,3357,1542,3726,3724,48,433) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.00059795379638672 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('post_format') AND tr.object_id IN (3599) ORDER BY t.name ASC
6.8902969360352E-5 SELECT tr.object_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('nav_menu') AND tt.term_id IN ('10280') ORDER BY tr.object_id ASC
9.608268737793E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (15201,17412,17413,17414,17415,17416,17417,17418,17419,17420,17421,17422,17423,17424,17425) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'nav_menu_item' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.menu_order ASC
8.2015991210938E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (2) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'page' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.post_date DESC
0.00047111511230469 SELECT t.term_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3599) ORDER BY t.name ASC
6.5088272094727E-5 SELECT tr.object_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('nav_menu') AND tt.term_id IN ('10282') ORDER BY tr.object_id ASC
7.8916549682617E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (15204,15205,15206,15207,15208) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'nav_menu_item' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.menu_order ASC
6.6995620727539E-5 SELECT t.term_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3599) ORDER BY t.name ASC
6.5088272094727E-5 SELECT tr.object_id FROM wp_term_relationships AS tr INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('nav_menu') AND tt.term_id IN ('10282') ORDER BY tr.object_id ASC
7.8916549682617E-5 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND wp_posts.ID IN (15204,15205,15206,15207,15208) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'nav_menu_item' AND ((wp_posts.post_status = 'publish')) ORDER BY wp_posts.menu_order ASC
5.9127807617188E-5 SELECT t.term_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3599) ORDER BY t.name ASC
0.00035595893859863 SELECT p.ID FROM wp_posts AS p WHERE p.post_date > '2012-06-07 10:19:48' AND p.post_type = 'post' AND p.post_status = 'publish' ORDER BY p.post_date ASC LIMIT 1
0.00021696090698242 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 3334 LIMIT 1
0.0027828216552734 SELECT t.*, tt.* FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category') AND tr.object_id IN (3334) ORDER BY t.name ASC
8.1062316894531E-5 SELECT term_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_termmeta WHERE term_id IN (3) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0001678466796875 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781439167984';
9.7036361694336E-5 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 7618 LIMIT 1
0.0005948543548584 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (20877) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0096991062164307 SELECT SQL_CALC_FOUND_ROWS wp_posts.ID FROM wp_posts INNER JOIN wp_postmeta ON ( wp_posts.ID = wp_postmeta.post_id ) WHERE 1=1 AND ( ( wp_postmeta.meta_key = 'bk_isbn' AND CAST(wp_postmeta.meta_value AS CHAR) = '9781439167984' ) ) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'book' AND (wp_posts.post_status = 'publish') GROUP BY wp_posts.ID ORDER BY wp_posts.post_date DESC LIMIT 0, 15
0.00010800361633301 SELECT FOUND_ROWS()
0.00073099136352539 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (7618) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0073919296264648 SELECT SQL_CALC_FOUND_ROWS wp_posts.ID FROM wp_posts WHERE 1=1 AND ( wp_posts.post_date >= '2012-01-01 00:00:00' ) AND wp_posts.post_type = 'post' AND (wp_posts.post_status = 'publish') ORDER BY RAND() LIMIT 0, 4
9.9897384643555E-5 SELECT FOUND_ROWS()
0.00043106079101562 SELECT wp_posts.* FROM wp_posts WHERE ID IN (16730,13842,7585,16905)
0.0038671493530273 SELECT t.*, tt.*, tr.object_id FROM wp_terms AS t INNER JOIN wp_term_taxonomy AS tt ON tt.term_id = t.term_id INNER JOIN wp_term_relationships AS tr ON tr.term_taxonomy_id = tt.term_taxonomy_id WHERE tt.taxonomy IN ('category', 'post_tag', 'post_format') AND tr.object_id IN (7585, 13842, 16730, 16905) ORDER BY t.name ASC
0.0012741088867188 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (7585,13842,16730,16905) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.00027894973754883 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '352'
0.00040292739868164 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (352) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.00027203559875488 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 9756 LIMIT 1
0.00053000450134277 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (9756) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0090758800506592 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781476743561';
0.00030708312988281 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 17023 LIMIT 1
0.00024294853210449 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '285'
0.00042200088500977 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (285) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.00030708312988281 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 13854 LIMIT 1
0.0005340576171875 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (13854) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0088849067687988 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781582704388';
0.00024795532226562 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 13841 LIMIT 1
8.6069107055664E-5 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '59'
8.9883804321289E-5 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (59) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.00026488304138184 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 7751 LIMIT 1
0.00055885314941406 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (7751) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
9.0122222900391E-5 SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '93'
8.4877014160156E-5 SELECT user_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_usermeta WHERE user_id IN (93) ORDER BY umeta_id ASC
0.00031304359436035 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 10716 LIMIT 1
0.00052404403686523 SELECT post_id, meta_key, meta_value FROM wp_postmeta WHERE post_id IN (10716) ORDER BY meta_id ASC
0.0089991092681885 SELECT `post_id` FROM `wp_postmeta` WHERE `meta_key` = 'bk_isbn' AND `meta_value` = '9781476773025';
0.00025510787963867 SELECT * FROM wp_posts WHERE ID = 17055 LIMIT 1
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 3599
    [post_author] => 144
    [post_date] => 2012-06-07 10:19:48
    [post_date_gmt] => 2012-06-07 14:19:48
    [post_content] => The surprising secret to a happy marriage from the book 6 Husbands Every Wife Should HaveWhat is the "secret sauce" that makes a happy marriage work? Many people resist it. The important thing to remember is that what couples need from each other evolves throughout life. From The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together.

When they marry, most people say things like, "I love you just the way you are; don’t ever change!"—and they really mean it. The notion that their spouse might change is scary and nonsensical to most newlyweds. Furthermore, popular opinion supports this idea, dictating that marriages fail because people change. But of course people change! All healthy people grow and change as they mature. It’s those who don’t change who find themselves trapped in unhealthy marriages. The truth is, most marriages don’t fail because people change, they fail because people don’t change.

Couples need to change and grow in order to invigorate and rejuvenate their relationship. Despite all we’ve been told about the power of love to surmount all odds, successful marriages don’t happen because two people fall in love; they happen when two people fall in love over and over again with each other. That can only happen when two people change together in whatever ways their lives and their marriage require.

If you accept this basic premise, a lot of the seemingly contradictory pressures of modern marriage make a lot more sense. As a marriage counselor and psychologist with more than fifteen years of experience, I often see men and women who feel like they just can’t win. It’s as if they’re living a life filled with relentless pressure: pressure to stay home with the kids and, at the same time, pressure to go to work and make more money; pressure to drop some of their old friends and old habits and develop new friends and new habits. They also feel pressure to be tough and in charge, but also to be sensitive and vulnerable. They think that if they could just eliminate these pressures, their life and their marriage would be okay again.
Women often say things like, "He knew what I was like when he married me, and now he wants me to be different. He knew that I had a lot of hobbies and interests and that I didn’t like spending weekends at home being a couch potato."

"It sounds like he wants a different wife," I usually comment.

"Absolutely!" is the common response.

Men often say things like, "She knew what I was like when she married me, and now she wants me to be different. She knew that I liked to drink and hang out with my buddies and that I wasn’t particularly interested in talking about my feelings and stuff like that."

To this, I usually respond, "It sounds like she wants a different husband."

"Absolutely!" is the common response.

"So what am I supposed to do?" they both want to know.

My advice is usually the same. "It sounds like it’s time for a change," I say. "It’s time for you to become the new spouse he (or she) is looking for!"—the one you both deserve.
    [post_title] => The Surprising Secret to a Happy Marriage
    [post_excerpt] => What is the "secret sauce" that makes a happy marriage work? Many people resist it. The important thing to remember is that what couples need from each other evolves throughout life. From The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have: How Couples Who Change Together Stay Together.
    [post_status] => publish
    [comment_status] => open
    [ping_status] => closed
    [post_password] => 
    [post_name] => the-surprising-secret-to-a-happy-marriage
    [to_ping] => 
    [pinged] => 
    [post_modified] => 2014-01-28 09:59:55
    [post_modified_gmt] => 2014-01-28 14:59:55
    [post_content_filtered] => 
    [post_parent] => 0
    [guid] => http://www.tipsonlifeandlove.com/?p=3599
    [menu_order] => 0
    [post_type] => post
    [post_mime_type] => 
    [comment_count] => 0
    [filter] => raw
)