Bedroom boredom. Parenting pushing private time aside. All work and no spark. Fantasies of other partners. These are all common sexual issues couples face. When TV star Lisa Rinna found herself losing interest in sex after pregnancy, she sought guidance from renowned sex counselor Ian Kerner. Together, they created a plan to rejuvenate romance for others in The Big, Fun, Sexy Sex Book.
This month we’re featuring your questions for Lisa and Ian in a weekly sex column. Here’s what they had to say to help our reader Mojo-less Mama.
With at least one child in my bed every night, my husband and I have no private time to even talk, let alone rev up a dormant mojo. We both work full-time so a little day-time rendezvous while the kids are at school isn’t happening. I’m all ears, Lisa and Ian!
Ian and Lisa say:
Parenthood is about perfecting the “art of the quickie” and finding moments between the chaos and exhaustion to squeeze in some intimacy. Quickies don’t necessarily have to lead to orgasm, and they don’t even have to be wholly sexual.
Take a long hug, for example. Studies have shown that positive physical touch stimulates a brain chemical called oxytocin. Dubbed the “cuddle hormone,” it’s produced during a range of scenarios, including sexual arousal, orgasm, and childbirth. The result: Oxytocin helps to create a sense of emotional intimacy, relaxation, contentment and trust. Scientists have even found that oxytocin helps relieve stress, improve mood and lower blood pressure. Even better, you and your partner easily can boost oxytocin all day long: just a 20 to 30-second hug can raise oxytocin levels in both men and women.
Other potential quickies:
•Rediscovering the art of the kiss. Believe it or not, less than 50 percent of people kiss their partners on daily basis. No wonder so many people are stuck in sex ruts. Once we stop kissing, it’s a sign that something needs to change.
•Sending your partner a sexy text. These days technology is often depicted as a time bomb that could destroy a relationship at any moment, but couples in trusting long-term relationships can use sexy emails and texts with each other to cultivate their connection and build sexual anticipation.
•Telling your partner about a sexy fantasy or dream. A study at Trent University in Peterborough, Ontario, found that intercourse is the most common sexual behavior in dreams. A healthy 37 percent of participants reported having a sexual dream once a week, while 19 percent reported dreaming about sex up to five times per week. So share the dream! And if you didn’t have a real dream, then make one up!
•Hop in the shower together. With the summer heat come more excuses to shower—why not save the water and enjoy one together?
•If you’re headed for the beach, take some time to rub suntan lotion on your partner with meaning and verve.
These small connections may not be explicitly sexual, but they create “transferable” desire that adds up over time and contributes to lasting sexual desire and fulfilling sexual experiences. So start building your bank account of intimate moments!
You can get more relationship tips like Lisa and Ian’s, plus helpful lifestyle advice, parenting info, and recipes in the Tips on Life & Love newsletter.