Dating Advice, Relationships

How to Get Up and Move on When Your Guy Doesn’t Want to Commit

14 Comments 30 May 2012

Dating_PlayeratBar_400Repeat after me: If a man tells you that he isn’t interested in a relationship, then he is not the man for you. Honeycakes, you need to know that every man you meet is not relationship material. “Well, damn, Terrance, what man is relationship material?” you may ask. From the author of Mogul.

He’s one who’s able to freely communicate his feelings and emotions and not worry about being judged. He’s a man who is comfortable showing love and joy to a woman. A man who is able to appreciate a woman and treat her like a queen. A man who can spend time with the guys and still make quality time for his special lady. He enjoys learning new things. He isn’t afraid to admit when he’s wrong and is willing to work on his weaknesses. He’s strong enough to take charge, and yet strong enough to let you take charge, too.

I can see your hands now waving in the air. Oh yes, I can. You’re screaming, “Yes, Hallelujah!” You want to know where this man is and why you haven’t met him. You were hoping that your current or ex-boyfriend was this type of man.

Guess what a woman often does if a man is not quite up to her standards? She actually thinks she can turn him into that type of man. Many women feel they can change a man over time. Can you believe in this day and age, there are women who still think this is possible?

In my travels across the country, I’ve met scores of women who think they’ve found The One. He is Mr. Right. He has it going on. So I ask them, “Why are you waiting to talk to me? If you have met ‘The One,’ then you don’t need advice from me.” Then they start telling me their stories. I listen, just hoping they’re not going to say those words I truly hate to hear women say: “But I love him. I really want to make this work.” Or, “I think he can change. He just needs someone like me in his life.”

Right. Just like you need another hole in your head.

Not all men are relationship material. Many of them are not quite ready to settle down. They’re perfectly content being bachelors. But you are ready to settle down in a relationship. However, the men you meet, well, you either settle, or you throw your hands up and give up. And during that phase of getting to know one another, there are some things that are just not adding up.

I’m going to do you a favor and break it down so that you will be able to identify a man who isn’t worth your time.

If a man tells you that he isn’t interested in being in a relationship, then guess what? That means not with you, either. I don’t care how many times he has taken you out on a date, sexed you really well, and given you late night conversation. True, his actions are saying something totally different, but, if he says he is not interested in a relationship, then he is not interested. Let him go. Don’t get your hopes up thinking you can change his mind. Because the truth of the matter is, everything he is doing with you, and all the time he may be spending with you, he’s doing the same with other women. They are getting equal amounts of his time.

Let him go and move on. It will save you untold time and aggravation trying to figure out why the two of you are not a couple.

If a man tells you that he has a girlfriend, or that the woman in his life is just a friend, but he is always looking for more female friends, run, run, run! He is not faithful. That is a tell-tale neon sign that he won’t be faithful to you, either. Some women actually think it’s cute to be dating a man with a girlfriend, or many lady friends, and they think they are getting one over on the unsuspecting girlfriend. Trust me, there is nothing cute about it. There is a thing known as karma. You may not feel its effects immediately, but trust me, honey, karma will come back and bite you in the butt. Leave that man and drama alone.

If a man tells you that he just came out of a relationship, ladies, then you’d better believe he isn’t ready to jump into another one. Let him have his time to grieve, mourn, or celebrate his way out of his situation. Trying to get someone to commit into another relationship when they just came out of one is a disaster waiting to happen. But some women will try to convince that man that they are not like the ex-girlfriend who did him wrong. She will not nag him like his ex, and unlike his last girlfriend, she won’t require a lot of time and attention.

Lies, pure lies, I tell you. Think about the amount of time you needed to get over your last serious ex. If you don’t allow him the time to heal and let go of his ex, she will show up in your relationship with him. Trust me.

If a man only calls you after midnight to come over to his house, well, this is an easy one. I shouldn’t have to go any further and explain. But just in case you don’t understand, Ms. Honey, it’s a booty call. That’s right. He does not see you as a woman he would like to be in a relationship with. He only sees you as a sex partner. If that’s what you are looking for, then knock yourself out. If you are looking for a good man who respects you, move on. This one only thinks of you as a sexual being.

If a man isn’t willing to define the relationship he has with you, then you’re not in a relationship. If every time you bring up the subject, his response is, “You’re cool,” “We’re just hanging out,” or “Why do we have to define this?” this man is clearly not the one for you. He cannot be honest or open enough to express how he feels for you. Why would you sit around waiting on a little boy? Only a small child cannot clearly articulate their feelings. The man for you will not hesitate or clam up when it’s time to share his feelings and emotions. He will certainly be able to express if he is into you, and that you are his one and only lady.

If you’ve been seeing a man for over six months and you’ve never been to his home, haven’t met any of his friends or family members, and you’re still not sure where he works, this is a clear indication that you don’t have a relationship. You know nothing about this man.

Why is he being so discreet? He’s obviously hiding something. Let him go and move on. Why would you want to be with a man who’s not willing to share his personal life with you? It’s not worth it to play detective and explore his background. (And I know some of you will, because you like snooping and being nosy.) If he is not forthright with basic information, just let him and his secrets go. Some things you’re better off not knowing.

Mogul: A Novel

Mogul: A Novel

Terrance Dean


Speaker and resident gay best friend Terrance Dean is the author of Mogul and the Essence Magazine bestseller Hiding In Hip Hop—On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood. Dean has worked in the entertainment industry for more than 15 years. For more information, follow him on Twitter, and like him on Facebook.

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  • Joquelle jones

    I’m 21 years old I was dating my ex boyfriend for a year and a half everything was great until the last two months he stopped showing attention and love then he said he wanted a break now he’s all on the Internet running after chicks. He was my first love he took my virginity and he tells me to wait till he’s ready for a relationship I’m so confused on why he did this and what I should do !

  • Ivanka

    He did you a favor by moving on. Do yourself a favor and move on too. He is a player and he is dating other women. He wants to string you along. He does not deserve you. Never love a man who does not treat you right.

  • Mark

    it is certainly much more women nowadays that just can’t commit to only one man anymore, like they did years ago. today the women are totally different, and many of them want a man with a very large bank account. since men and women weren’t making hardly any money back then, they really had no choice but to accept their men for who they were. this is a very good reason why many of us serious men can’t meet a good woman to accept us anymore. i seriously think this has a lot to do with it, especially the ones with the very high paying jobs think that they are all that today.

  • Mark

    to finish what i was saying, my aunt and uncle this year are starting their 65th year together. that just shows you how much different many women were years ago, that certainly did stay with only one man. today the divorce rate is so out of control now, and both women and men cheat just too much these days. but it is the women that certainly cheat much more, and i had this happen to me. my wife of fifteen years cheated on me, and i thought that i was settled down and hoping to have a family that i never had. i wish that i had been born a lot sooner, then i could had avoided this mess too. it really hurts going out all the time by myself, and i can never seem to be at the right place at the right time meeting a good woman again.

  • Dons

    Nice one!

  • Andrea

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. We have been long distance for the last two years. I want to spend the summer with him before I go to study but he says he is not ready to moove in togeather for the whole summer. I really love him but am sterting to think he will never be ready. Shall I give him more time or call it off?

  • Valencia

    This article was soooooo timely, to the point, and truthful! Thank you so much!

  • Elle

    I have been with a guy for 5 years, i feel lonely and whenever i bring up marriage he says we are too young and sounds mortified. I am only 23 so i am young, but i dont know whether to hold on to this when this man clearly doesnt want to commit to me forever.
    Please help me? Do i leave?

  • Nicole Albrecht

    OMG my ex bf was soooo sketchy and i kept making excuses. Too shy, cant express himself… meanwhile im the freaking Turkey. Good bye asshat and sorry to the next chick caught in his web of BS

  • Carmen

    I needed this one: “If a man isn’t willing to define the relationship he has with you…” it really is very childish when I think about it. There are other factors, but its still sad.

  • Elizabeth

    Ok so i kissed this guys last nite and he is one of my good friends it was his first kiss and it was bad then he told me he loved me and i felt really bad and like that should of gone better , but it didn’t want do i do ?!

  • Rose

    Mark, are you single??
    I am old fashioned living in a modern world. I have a lot to offer and money isn’t important to me. Honesty, trust, and communication is. :)

  • Mandy2629

    i was with someone who had a female friend in a different city. After a year, I see that they would communicate via emails, texting and phone calls. I asked him if he ever told her we are involved. He said no and that he will not. He said that it is difficult to be friends with the opposite sex, and that he did not want to ruin the friendship. I expressed that I did not understand how it could be ruined. I made it clear that we all at this age have friends etc, and that i do not expect him to give it up but to be introduced or included. He then had dinner with his ex fiance who was trying to get back with him, he was honest with me, but when I asked if he told he he was involved with someone he said no. That I am his private life, this is so confusing because I have met his family and friends however he refuses to make any reference to these other important women in his life, he states it will cause drama. He then refriended his ex fiance. I pulled away and hence the breakup. Am I too insecure or was I really seeing it for what it was, he was not fully committed. I just feel awful, because he keeps saying i do not trust him and believes I am in love with my ex which is not the case, we have been done for nine years, it is just that although I have settled court, he continues to put motions in so I have to respond and go, which ends up in some anxiety also. I just feel like he turned it around on me…clarity anyone?

  • Lilly

    Hi Mandy! As someone who had a friend go through a similar situation I would see cut him off – completely until he can show you he is ready to commit to at least a defined relationship with you. Here’s the thing about men: very few of them are “honest” unless they have a very compelling reason to be. Anytime a man is not willing to tell another female about you, it’s because he is either still pursing her, or is keeping the lane open so other chicks do not view him as “taken”. Also, coming from a woman on the other side who was an ex-fiance of my boyfriend of four years, anytime an ex is STILL in the picture to the point where they are still having dinners, long phone convo’s …etc he is either stringing her along or stringing you along until he makes up his mind or until she becomes more available for him. Insecurity is just the side dish to justification. It’s your mind throwing the FLAG that something is wrong or off – never ignore that. Yes – sometimes we jump to conclusions but do you really want to invest time in someone who tells you “you are his private life”. Nah.

    Best wishes to you!


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