It’s no secret that many otherwise smart, high-functioning people have sex and intimacy confused. The market for therapy and treatment for “sex addicts” is rising, as more light is shined on this phenomenon and pornography of every type imaginable is available at the touch of anyone’s fingertips.
I believe that part of the reason we have so many conflicted feelings about our own sexuality stems from the male perspective that orgasm is the whole point in the bedroom.
Orgasm is the point of conception, and we spend the rest of our lives seeking it again, and so sexuality is a highly manipulated experience where the male (archetypally) seeks to make the experience whatever results in an orgasm for him. They believe that orgasm is the holy grail of sex.
But what if it is just a stepping-stone toward a far more evolved state of sexual intimacy? What if the “revolution” of the female orgasm, the fact that it’s socially acceptable for women to seek pleasure in the experience as well, is just one point along the path?
Orgasm is the highest frequency we can bring into the physical dimension. But when we allow ourselves to tap the resonance of a “journey” sexual experience instead of the “destination” of the orgasm-driven experience it can transport us to a different level of intimacy.
Let’s back up a bit and talk about the energetics of touch. My friend Dallas Hartwig, coauthor of The Whole 30, says of the modern age soaked in electronic communication, “We’re all oversexed and undertouched.”
Touch is powerfully healing, as much science has shown us, including for newborn infants. Infants who are touched more have much higher positive life outcomes than infants whose basic needs are met but who are not touched often, as is the case in some orphanages as well as in families. It’s been shown that especially for newborns, skin-to-skin contact helps to calm them, and they cry less and sleep better. It also facilitates their brain development, and they are at lower risk for emotional, behavioral, and social problems as they grow up.
Transactional sexual experiences with chaotic frequencies are common, and they can be jarring to the whole organism well beyond the event itself. Disturbed and disconnected frequencies collide when one or both partners are under the influence of a substance, when they do not know each other prior to the encounter, when one partner is paid for the transaction or is nonconsenting, or when there is no love or trust in the interaction.
There is a significant amount of touch in most sexual interactions between people who love each other, and there is far less touch in sex between strangers or sex while under the influence of a substance.
As a former practitioner of sex therapy, I loved the ancient practice of tantric sexuality brought into the modern day. You don’t have to immerse yourself in Eastern mysticism to find it appealing, if you’re looking for a very slow and sensuous experience that doesn’t skip over the most delicious part of the sex act. I feel it’s the perfect antidote to an affluent world that craves connection. It’s a “journey” rather than a “destination.”
Late night hours aren’t conducive to a good sexual connection for many people. We may have it all wrong, here in the Western world, with this unwritten cultural rule that sex happens at bedtime. This depends on your biorhythms, but think about it: late at night, melatonin production is increasing and the body is preparing for sleep, and suddenly we decide it’s a good time to do the most powerfully energetic thing there is, short of running sprints? The gym is empty at 11 p.m.—because no one wants to run sprints then!
In some cultures of the world, people go home for lunch and make love, because they intuitively realize this. (Those are the same cultures whose people who don’t eat a big dinner, and they live longer than we do!)
Sometimes a sexual disconnect in a marriage can be related to different biorhythms, which of course are just a type of vibration. One partner might be a “morning person” who bounces out of bed, ready to go for a four-mile run, and he’s married to a person who hits the snooze button three times and needs coffee before a conversation is even possible.
This process here of tuning in to sexual frequencies is simple, it’s as loving as it is erotic, and it’s designed to create more electricity in your intimate life and more wellness in your life overall.
Now that you know how to tune in to sexual frequencies, have more sex.