Patricia Love, author of The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever, shares tips from couples who have managed to keep their sex life enticing through the years.
Sex often plays a vital role in reconnecting couples, but there is not enough said or written about the importance of it in long term relationships. Most of the hype is about new love, but the best life has to offer comes from true love. Public opinion is so slanted that we’ve been programmed to believe that deterioration of our sex life is endemic after the first two years of a relationship. However, this doesn’t have to be the case, and it is not for millions of couples.
Lovemaking wanes when it takes a back seat. Time pressure from work, domestic responsibilities, commuting, and social commitments make it a challenge to find quiet, private moments with a partner. Nevertheless, if you are too busy for sex — maybe you are just too busy.
So what can we learn from the fortunate couples who use sex as a gateway activity and have managed to keep their sex life enticing through the years? Here are some tips.
Be generous with physical affection. Loving touch makes your partner feel good about him- or herself, promotes closeness between the two of you, and activates endorphins that cause you both to feel calmer as well as connected. Couples who stay sexually active and happy do not limit their expression of physical affection to the bedroom. Important truth: men are as hungry for affection as women are.
Be seductive in the basic ways. The old standbys are still important. Be thoughtful. Do special favors. Lavish loving attention. Be playful. Show enthusiasm. Look your best. One of my closest friends, Noelie, says you should go through your closet and give away anything that doesn’t make you look drop-dead gorgeous. If nothing else, improve your posture, and smile. You can do that right this minute. Make sure your hygiene habits appeal to your partner. Lastly, learn to express your feelings during sex. It’s feedback, it’s erotic, it’s instructional, and it’s flattering.
Be sensitive to your partner’s needs. The reason most couples don’t have sex is that at least one person doesn’t feel attended to. If you are a person with a high desire level, a high-T person, you may not need a lot of attention to be sexually aroused, but your partner, a low-T person, may. Be willing to meet your partner’s arousal needs, and be romantic in the ways your partner prefers, even though it may not be your cup of tea. Bring flowers if they touch your partner’s heart; fold the laundry if it makes him feel loved. Let your partner be your guide.
Be responsible for your own orgasm. This doesn’t necessarily mean you do it yourself but rather that you take the initiative to know what arouses you and communicate this to your partner. Also, be aware that your partner may not always want an orgasm. For example, in their twenties and early thirties it is not uncommon for women to experience a surge of pleasure simply with penetration. This response is brought on by the release of oxytocin. When the vulva and vagina are stretched by the entry of the penis, it can give a surge of energy equal to the sensations of orgasm. Consequently, she may not feel the need to reach a climax. So, let her determine if she wants an orgasm. A man may also want to pleasure his mate without coming to orgasm himself. When each person is responsible for letting the partner know his/her needs, it takes the guesswork out of lovemaking, and avoids miscommunication and disconnection.
Make your lovemaking mutually satisfying. Many sexual positions favor the male orgasm and don’t provide enough clitoral stimulation for the female. Few women can reach orgasm by intercourse alone. Most need manual or oral stimulation or a position for lovemaking that provides the necessary excitement. The woman on top position allows the female to stimulate her clitoris — either with her fingers or the movement of her body — while having intercourse. The man’s hands are free for extra stimulation also. Rear-entry or doggie style intercourse allows for deeper penetration and is more likely to stimulate the G-spot, which is a highly erotic area in the vagina. In this position, the man has his hands free for caressing other areas such as the clitoris, breasts, buttocks, thighs, scrotum, and testicles.
If the woman sits on the edge of the bed, this position sometimes allows for interesting contact. Or, having sex while seated in your partner’s lap can provide another variation. Having sex from the spoon position, with both partners lying on the right or left side with the man entering from behind, not only leaves four hands free but takes little energy and effort. Oral sex has come to be considered a staple of marital sex for many couples. As couples are remaining sexual long into later decades and require more stimulation, various forms of lovemaking have become more common and accepted. For men who may need more stimulation, oral sex can not only be pleasurable but also bring his penis to a greater state of erection for further lovemaking if that is what is desired. Though oral sex is a stretch for some individuals, you can work up to it gradually. Perhaps start with kissing different parts of each other’s body — the stomach, inside of the thighs, and then later the pubic area.
Break the ice. Sometimes just trying anything new will get you out of a rut and open the door to further adventure. It doesn’t have to be outrageous to simply interrupt your routine. It might mean having sex with your boots on or while you are coloring your hair. You have to start somewhere. Having sex with the lights on might ultimately lead to swinging from the chandelier. Finally: location, location, location. Just changing the location of where you have sex can add new excitement to your love life. Make it a point to have sex in every room in your home. Then move to the car, the back porch, the deck, behind the bushes in the backyard, your mother-in-law’s bathroom. Then change the location of where you stimulate each other’s body. Instead of confining kisses to the lips, go for the neck, thigh, shoulder, fingertips (for further instruction on fingertip kissing rent Don Juan DeMarco and watch the opening scene). Let your creative juices flow.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Patricia Love, author of The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever (Copyright © 2001 by Patricia Love), is a family and marriage therapist and relationship consultant, and the coauthor of The Emotional Incest Syndrome and Hot Monogamy.
- Read the Introduction to The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever
- See the book’s Table of Contents
- Browse more books about love and romance