Proven strategies for approaching beautiful women that were developed by pickup guru and all-around good guy Barney Stinson and are guaranteed to turn you into a bona fide ladies’ man. From The Playbook: Suit Up. Score Chicks. Be Awesome
Congratulations! If you’re reading this article, you are either too pathetic to pick up girls on your own, or you’re looking for some creative ideas to spice up your repertoire — but I’m guessing you’re too pathetic to pick up girls on your own.
The good news is you’re not alone. There are millions of unattractive chumps just like you all over the place who apparently never want to sleep with a woman. But all of that is going to change because with my help you’ll be able to approach any beautiful woman you want and trick her into sleeping with you. I’ve selected a handful of proven strategies from The Playbook — my book that outlines every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, and bamboozle I’ve ever used or ever hope to use to pick up chicks and give them the business. Now, in an act of selfless charity, I’m passing this treasure of pleasure on to you as an easy-to-follow guide.
These seven plays will get you started, and eventually you’ll be able to approach any beautiful woman you want and trick her into sleeping with a pathetic, smelly, failure like you. Read on, Bro.
THE DON’T DRINK THAT
Success Rate 45%
Attracts chicks who don’t like being drugged
Requirements good hand-eye coordination
Prep Time none
Bummers 35% chance of getting your ass kicked
- Identify your target and just as she’s about to sip her drink, sprint over and stop her. You: “Don’t drink that! I saw some guy slip something in there.”
- When she asks who did it, look around and point to the smallest dude in the room or a bro you want to play a funny prank on.
- Let her reward you for saving her life.
THE MRS. STINSFIRE
Success Rate 7%
Attracts college chicks
Requirements fat suit, old lady makeup, pince-nez spectacles . . . maybe some fake pearls?
Prep Time one semester
Bummers sorority rush procedures confusing
- Search college websites until you find a job listing for a sorority housemom. It might take several weeks to a lifetime but it’ll be worth it.
- Dress up like an old lady. Think Barbara Bush, Betty White, or present-day Rod Stewart.
- Once you get the job, introduce yourself to “your girls” and immediately start talking up your wealthy son.
- Convince the chapter to invest in a high-tech security system complete with a closed-circuit video surveillance package—you know, for safety.
- Have your “son” come to visit one weekend, suddenly take ill and retreat to your room, and set “him” loose.
THE LORENZO VON MATTERHORN
Success Rate 20%
Attracts smartphone-wielding business types
Requirements basic knowledge of website design
Prep Time three quarters of a football game
Bummers basic knowledge of website design
- Think up a unique fake name. Have you got it? Good.
- Generate a series of websites devoted to the incredible life of your fake persona and upload them to the World Wide Web.
- Select your target, preferably someone with a real nice phone, approach her, and say, “Yeah, it’s me.” She’ll claim she doesn’t know who you are. Act incredulous and say your fake name slowly and loudly. When she says she’s still never heard of you, comment on what a refreshing change of pace it is to meet someone who isn’t after your autograph, your picture, your vast wealth, or your vast junk.
- Now make a quick exit but be sure to repeat your name again for her.
- As soon as you’re gone, she’ll get out her phone and do an Internet search. As she reads all about your fake persona, she’ll grow wild with passion.
- Return a few minutes later, offer to buy her a cup of coffee, and it is on.
Success Rate 13%
Attracts chicks with moon rocks for brains
Requirements none, though a helmet won’t hurt you
Prep Time T minus zero!
Bummers women dumb enough to believe in “SNASA”
often don’t know what NASA is
- Pick out a particularly dense-looking target . . . and by “dense” I’m not talking mass over volume.
- Point to your drink and mention that you’re only allowed to drink Tang up in space. When she asks if you’re an astronaut, immediately shush her. Look around, then say in a hushed tone that you shouldn’t be telling her this but you’re actually in a top secret government space program called Secret NASA . . . or SNASA.
- Offer to demonstrate what reentry feels like when returning from the smoon.
THE CHEAP TRICK
Success Rate 40%
Attracts groupies, dummies, big hairies
Requirements denim jacket, Cheap Trick patch, hair extensions
Prep Time fifty minutes
Bummers uh . . . denim jacket?
- Attach the hair extensions to your melon. Affix the Cheap Trick patch to your newly acquired denim jacket. Put it on. Now, believe it or not, you’re ready to rock.
- Select your target.
- Position yourself within earshot of your target and, addressing nobody in particular, drop at least one of the following phrases:
“Always great to meet a fan.”
“Anyone know the yen exchange rate? Our world tour starts tomorrow.”
“The hardest part of designing my guitar-shaped pool was deciding where to position the hot tub.”
- Overcome by curiosity, your target will ask who you are, and that’s when you say, “I’m the bass player for Cheap Trick. A major rock band.” If she doesn’t believe you, model your patch for her. With any luck she’ll reciprocate the favor, and you’ll be out of that denim jacket before you know it.
THE “HE’S NOT COMING”
Success Rate .5%
Attracts romantics, very recently scorned lovers
Requirements Empire State Building, a dashing, Cary Grantesque mid-Atlantic accent (recommended but not required)
Prep Time travel to New York
• numbers game
• can be time-consuming
• gets chilly on top of Empire State Building
- Travel to New York and go to the observation deck of the Empire State Building.
- Walk up to every girl you see and solemnly say, “He’s not coming.”
- Repeat step 2 until a girl breaks down on your shoulder.