Expectations come in many packages — from what you wish your spouse were like to what you hope to get for a gift. If you don’t identify and share mutual expectations now, then you risk frustration and disappointment down the road. From Before You Plan Your Wedding…Plan Your Marriage by Dr. Greg Smalley and Erin Smalley.
1. Claim them. First, assume total responsibility for your own happiness. Understand that people cannot fulfill your life or make you happy. Regardless of your dreams or excitement about your upcoming marriage, your future spouse is not responsible for making you happy or your honeymoon a success according to your criteria.
2. Feel them. Recognize the feelings connected with unmet expectations – emotions such as disappointment, frustration, hurt, and fear. How can you tell if you have an unmet expectation? Disappointment. When you feel disappointment in your relationship, then most likely some expectation hasn’t been met. When expectations get met, partners feel satisfied, happy, fulfilled, gratified, contented, respected, cared for, and loved. On the other hand, when expectations are not met or are in conflict, other less-pleasant emotions emerge. These feelings are an indication that expectations are not meshing.
It is important to understand what you’re feeling, validate the feeling, and then move to uncover the expectation on which it is based. In some cases, your partner won’t even know of the expectation; in fact, the only indication o f its existence is its emotional effect.
3. Recognize them. Once you’re aware of the feelings associated with unmet or unfulfilled expectations, then you can gain the awareness necessary to make the needed adjustment. Awareness answers questions like: What was I expecting should happen? What was I wishing or hoping would take place? What were my assumptions about my partner and his or her behavior?
Push yourself to take a hard look at your expectations. The point of these questions is to consider whether the answers to the questions are realistic, productive, and workable. It’s not that they are true or false, or right or wrong; instead, the answers are preferences, likes, or disbeliefs. We want to help you to identify the distortions, enabling you to change your way of thinking.
4. Understand them. Where are the expectations coming from? Do they have their source in dreams, wishes, assumptions, hopes, standards, your family of origin, past relationships, TV, culture, or somewhere else?
5. Evaluate them. Are your expectations reasonable or unreasonable? Are they realistic or unrealistic? Challenge your expectations within yourself. Evaluation means that you determine if the expectations seem to be supported by objective reality.
Other important questions to ask yourself include these: Is it objectively true that my mate should act that way? Is this expectation essential to the attainment of any specific goal I have for our marriage? Does this expectation affect my future spouse’s perception of me? Does this expectation help me achieve the kind of emotional responses I want for my spouse and me in marriage?
If you answer no to these questions, it’s very possible that this expectation is unrealistic. If any demand or expectation is valid, then address the expectation in a new manner, such as: “I would appreciate it if you would . . .” or “I would really prefer that you . . .”
6. Express them. Remember, the ultimate goal of expectations is to make them clear. In other words, make your unspoken desires spoken. Clearly express your expectations.
Sharing your expectations allows you to define a mutual vision of how you want your future marriage to be. The best part is that when you express your expectations, you allow your partner to decide if he or she can satisfy that need. He or she gets the opportunity to decide if the expectation can be met most of the time, some of the time, or none of the time.
Before I see clients in a counseling session, I have them sign an informed consent form. This form outlines important information, like who the counselor is, his or her degrees and credentials, what type of agency he or she works for, the basic values and beliefs of the organization, some risks of therapy, limits of confidentiality, counseling fee, how to reach the counselor after hours, name of supervisor if he or she has one, cancellation policy, etc. This allows the client to understand many aspects of therapy, both covert and overt, so he or she can make an informed decision on whether or not to proceed with therapy. A counselor can do therapy with someone only if that person consents to doing it; the information assists him or her in making an informed consent.
Sharing your expectations before frustration, disappointment, or conflict sets in is like getting your mate’s informed consent. It allows him or her to say either “I can” or “I can’t” meet your expectations. And it works great.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, authors of Before You Plan Your Wedding…Plan Your Marriage (© 2008 by Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley), work together at the Center for Relationship Enrichment on the campus of John Brown University. Greg olds two master’s degrees as well as a doctorate, and Erin has a master’s degree. Together they share a passion to help men and women obtain the knowledge and skills for building satisfying, lifelong marriages where both partners become conformed to the image of the Lord. They have been married for fifteen years. The Smalleys live in northwest Arkansas with their three children.
LEARN MORE
- Buy a copy of Before You Plan Your Wedding…Plan Your Marriage
- Browse Inside the Book
- Read an excerpt from Before Your Plan Your Wedding…Plan Your Marriage
- See the book’s Table of Contents
- Browse more books about love and romance
