THE LAZY GIRL’S GUIDE TO LIFE: It’s Not You It’s Me

Ladies, we’ve all been on terrible dates. Before you send that SOS text to your best friend, take a look at some advice from Jennifer Byrne, author of THE LAZY GIRL’S GUIDE TO LIFE.

WTF?! Could this date possibly get any worse? First, the guy shows up at the restaurant wearing a tank top, skinny jeans, and fluorescent green Crocs. You try to look past these heinous fashion crimes as you imbibe a pre-dinner glass of wine. As the alcohol enters your system, you start to enjoy his sense of humor, which isn’t excellent but at least exists. He also has a nice smile, and earns points by saying he doesn’t really go clubbing anymore— he’s more of a “homebody” these days. It’s almost enough to make you forgive the Crocs.

Then your eyes scan up from the o ending foam resin shoes to reveal a disturbing accessory—an electronic ankle bracelet. Before you even have time to ask about this, he tells you that he “escaped” his house arrest to come out on this date, and that if he doesn’t get home soon, he’s probably going to jail. Couldn’t you give him a ride home? He’d love to continue the date at his house.

Again, WTF?! Although this is certainly the most creative approach any guy has taken to lure you back to his house, it’s also the worst. Especially since you haven’t even ordered dinner and he’s not making a move to pick up the drink tab. Meanwhile, the clock is running out on House Arrest Cinderella here. And those Crocs are a far cry from magic slippers. A “homebody,” indeed!

Now, you don’t want to tell this guy that you’re having a horrible time and he’s the worst date ever. He’s wearing an ankle bracelet, for God’s sake! And if you hate anything, it’s confrontation. What’s a lazy girl to do?

Lazy Girl Hack: Stay Drama Free

Okay, so it goes without saying that you’re never going to see this man again, except maybe on a “wanted” poster. You just want to end the night with a minimum of drama. As you walk him to the cab you plan to put him in, try to say something sort of nice, since these are hopefully the last words you will ever utter to him. Feel free to employ some humor. Say, “Well, it was a short date, but certainly an adventure. It was nice to meet you.” If he tries to get you to commit to another date, you can say something vague, like, “Well, things are looking really busy right now . . . I’m sure I’ll see you around.” This is a white lie to get you out of this situation. And hey, you might see him again sometime, when you are required to testify against him at his parole violation hearing.

Lazy Girl Hack: Get Rid of Guilt!

It is very important that you not reveal any guilt over the fact that you hated this date and never want to see this person again. Guilt is the kiss of death when you are trying to lose a loser. If he senses you are a little bit of a pushover, he will try to play that for all it’s worth. You don’t owe this guy anything. You can mention a few positive aspects of the date—were there any? Oh, right, you did like his sense of humor there for a minute, unless it was just the wine. But don’t say, “I liked your sense of humor”; that’s too personal. Cite one funny story he told and say, “Oh, I liked that story of your experience bartering cigarettes and shanks with your friends, ha-ha.”

Lazy Girl Hack: Avoid the Kiss of Death

If guilt is the kiss of death, then a kiss is the kiss of worse-than- death, and the only thing worse than death would be to get stuck in a relationship with this guy. Under no circumstances are you obligated to kiss this person. You can be nice, mildly complimentary, and generically polite, but you don’t need to make contact with his lips. If he tries to go in for the kiss, you’re going to have to turn your head and give him the infamous mouth full of hair. Honestly, if you’ve suffered through a bad date, you should not further need to suffer through a bad kiss too. I would suggest politely shaking his hand. You can allow a peck only if there seems to be absolutely no way to avoid it in a socially acceptable way. Just remember that it’s a kiss goodbye.

Tell us! What are your dating deal breakers?

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