Translated from Vonnadorian by Matt Haig
Author of The Humans
If you are ever unfortunate enough to find yourself on the mediocre planet known to its inhabitants as Earth, then I recommend that you fall in love. Love is just about the only thing that makes life on Earth bearable for more than, say, fifteen minutes.
Here are some ways to make a human fall in love with you.
1. Be incredibly good looking. Humans are quite superficial, so being very physically attractive (by human standards) is a major asset.
2. Be incredibly rich. See point 1.
3. Be incredibly famous. See points 1 and 2.
4. Sing songs in the key of G. This seems to work.
5. Take a human to a restaurant, and buy them food, and listen to them talk about themselves for at least three hours.
6. Act like you care.
7. Don’t yodel. Yodeling generally doesn’t help.
8. Generally, on Earth, quadratic equations and vertex configuration does not have the same erotic effect as it does on Vonnadoria.
9. Alcohol seems to help, though.
10. Try and hide the fact that your body has functions for as long as possible.
11. Do not touch your own, or anyone else’s sexual organs too early. This can have disastrous consequences.
12. Do not correct their grammar.
13. Conceal your scent, and your body, and most of your intentions.
14. If someone has accidentally fallen from a high place, catch them and save their life.
15. Show them a sunset. Or the ocean. Or a clear night sky. The universe is always your greatest seduction aid.
16. Don’t turn into your natural state. If a human ever sees your natural state they will probably cry, and vomit, and then go insane.
17. Lie. At all times lie.
18. Take them to the Hotel de Russie in Rome. (Trust me, it works).
19. Make them laugh. Though on Earth, humor is very different. For instance, few people laugh at unusual polygons.
20. Give them flowers. Flowers are reproductive organs. However, giving other types of reproductive organs—such as the testicles of a grizzly bear—does not have the same effect.
21. Be a mirror. Metaphorically. Reflect the self they want to see. And then they will want to stand in front of you forever.
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